Whether you are a parent or not, we all have some kind of memory to look back at and reminisce. Here are your top ten Tweets for parenting.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What's this song called?
Me: "Don't Speak."
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don't speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) December 18, 2019
[bringing my girlfriend back home for the holidays]
me: omg don’t make eye contact those people bullied me in highschool
her: where? i only see your parents
my dad: what’s up u little fuckin bitch
— harvard graduate (@heelyfanaccount) December 21, 2019
Morning routine while I’m home for break:
1. Wake up
2. Harass my dad for something that costs money
3. Back to bed
4. Fight with my mom
5. Think of ways to sneak out to see boy I shouldn’t
— Alyssa Schoener (@alyssa_schoener) December 19, 2019
My kid told me I was being dramatic when I had to ask him for the 9th time to turn off the light…
So I unplugged his PlayStation 9 times while he was playing a video game. I just hope his future wife appreciates the effort I put into this.
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) December 19, 2019
Why do parents love asking questions they know the answer to LIKE NO I AM NOT GOING TO WORK I AM WEARING MY UNIFORM FOR BANTS AT 9AM
— F🐬 (@letsfokhinhavit) December 15, 2019
Me: Who wants to go see Star Wars with me?
Me: Do you even like Star Wars?
5: I like popcorn.
Me: Get in the car.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2019
merry christmas to the toddler I saw running across trader joe's with a giant bottle of peppermint vodka and mom running after him like "no no no no no no" only
— sloane (sipihkopiyesis) (@cottoncandaddy) December 20, 2019
Kid: dad what if I don’t want to celebrate Christmas? what if I want to celebrate Hanukkah instead?
Me: you can choose to celebrate or not celebrate whatever holidays you want buddy
Kid: I think I’ll skip shark week this year
Me: get the fuck out of my house
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 21, 2019
Teen: mom, I cant find my wallet
Me: did you look in your backpack?
Me: *frantically searching every room* aren't you even going to help me look?
Teen: oh, I found it – it was in my backpack
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) December 11, 2019
Become a parent so you can hear pointless shit like:
– they had a good dinner: they’ll sleep well tonight
– they spent all day running outside: they’ll sleep well tonight
– they had a big poo before bed: they’ll sleep well tonight
– they didn’t nap: they’ll sleep well tonight
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 16, 2019