11 Of The Funniest Tweets This Week

Have a nice weekend with our best tweets of this week. (And some from the week before.)

#1:

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018

#2:

The ultra wide iPhone camera gonna make my Tinder DMs littttt pic.twitter.com/y0Pd3G3uvK

— Jeremy Judkins 🐍 🎷 (@jeremyjudkins) September 23, 2019

#3:

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 19, 2016

#4:

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they'll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

— Kie (@KielyHealey) September 25, 2019

#5:

24 years ago Steve Ballmer and Bill Gates celebrated the Windows 95 launch

I broke down the film pic.twitter.com/8qU9Ggr2QC

— Mike Camerlengo (@MCamerlengo) September 24, 2019

#6:

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 14, 2019

#7:

No boy has all 10:
– bed
– pillow
– sheet
– comforter
– bed frame
– fitted sheet
– pillowcase
– blanket
– throw pillows
– mattress

— Boots, 'with the fur' (@afraidofwasps) September 23, 2019

#8:

Me trying to get my shoe on without untying it pic.twitter.com/UrJhPJxp8s

— ☆*akira⁷.*☆ (@ashyelboes) September 16, 2019

#9:

Been together since 4pm, no problems. I go to the bathroom ONCE 45 seconds in, and I have to rush out to this: pic.twitter.com/AN1iaZYe2k

— 𝙼𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝚅𝚊𝚕𝚍𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚊 (@madelaneeee) September 27, 2019

#10:

Crazy to think that if I’d bought $1,000 of amazon stock in 1997 I would have died of a cocaine overdose by now

— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) September 27, 2019

#11:

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 27, 2019