Have a nice weekend with our best tweets of this week. (And some from the week before.)
#1:
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018
#2:
The ultra wide iPhone camera gonna make my Tinder DMs littttt pic.twitter.com/y0Pd3G3uvK
— Jeremy Judkins π π· (@jeremyjudkins) September 23, 2019
#3:
I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 19, 2016
#4:
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they'll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
— Kie (@KielyHealey) September 25, 2019
#5:
24 years ago Steve Ballmer and Bill Gates celebrated the Windows 95 launch
— Mike Camerlengo (@MCamerlengo) September 24, 2019
I broke down the film pic.twitter.com/8qU9Ggr2QC
#6:
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 14, 2019
me: Theyβre for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They donβt know how
#7:
No boy has all 10:
— Boots, 'with the fur' (@afraidofwasps) September 23, 2019
– bed
– pillow
– sheet
– comforter
– bed frame
– fitted sheet
– pillowcase
– blanket
– throw pillows
– mattress
#8:
Me trying to get my shoe on without untying it pic.twitter.com/UrJhPJxp8s
— β*akiraβ·.*β (@ashyelboes) September 16, 2019
#9:
Been together since 4pm, no problems. I go to the bathroom ONCE 45 seconds in, and I have to rush out to this: pic.twitter.com/AN1iaZYe2k
— πΌπππππππ π πππππππ (@madelaneeee) September 27, 2019
#10:
Crazy to think that if Iβd bought $1,000 of amazon stock in 1997 I would have died of a cocaine overdose by now
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) September 27, 2019
#11:
[crime scene]
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 27, 2019
Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory