The week is over, time for some Twitter fun. Get ready for our weekly Best Of!
Plants are wake up and sleep pic.twitter.com/06XzoBx9ge— Science And Nature (@InterestingSci1) October 2, 2019
Here's a pretty reasonable idea: getting an education shouldn't mean that you're in debt for the rest of your life.— Bernie Sanders (@BernieSanders) September 28, 2019
yesterday someone pointed out that screaming “fuck” during sex is the same as screaming “parkour” while you parkour and I haven’t been the same since— jae (@VenusMonstrosa) September 26, 2019
Be like number 50 pic.twitter.com/Jgyik9goig— Dave M (@SpotTheLoon2010) September 29, 2019
My brother just came home at 1 am, dropped a bag of 20 mcnuggets in my lap, and said, “There’s no catch. I’m going to bed” then immediately turned around and left my room.— jen merritt!!! (@jennifermerr) September 28, 2019
Queen Maxima of The Netherlands explains to German Chancellor Merkel in New York she recently spoke to France about women's rights.— Harald Doornbos (@HaraldDoornbos) September 29, 2019
Merkel: Which Franz?
the harp was probably invented when some dude was just trying to shoot a bow and arrow but he misfired and ended up plucking at an empty bowstring then his friend was like wait run that shit back— jabookie (@jaboukie) September 28, 2019
Wife: what are you doing?— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) September 28, 2019
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Me: to catch and train the owl.
yes hi your brother is having sex with this peanut putter pic.twitter.com/FBU1vbULzm— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 28, 2019
me: this haunted house is so scary— [email protected] (@TweetPotato314) September 28, 2019
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) September 27, 2019
Murder mittens pic.twitter.com/12nEho01lH— Awwwww (@AwwwwCats) October 6, 2019
Life tip: if you ever end up in a prank war with your gym bro roommate, take his preworkout and shake it up so the scoop gets buried. Then while he’s distracted trying to dig out the scoop, sneak up behind him and slash his Achilles’ tendon— Joey ⚡️ (@joeygllghr) September 27, 2019