Get ready for some new funny Tweets from this week that you’ve probably missed.
the last time i went to urgent care i checked off “excessive crying” on the symptom list and the nurse got really confused and told me that was meant for babies— rachel (@bugposting) September 18, 2019
one time a guy rubbed my coochie over my leggings for not even 30 seconds, stopped, looked me dead in my eyes and asked “did I get ya?”— handmade grandpa (@coolkidjacy) September 16, 2019
Boss: I'm firing you for being too nice— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 16, 2019
Me: Thank you
people love to walk around like they don’t have a sink full of dishes waiting for them at home. i know that plate with dried tomato sauce on it is consuming ur thoughts bro— James (@CaucasianJames) September 16, 2019
harry potter: i’m depressed— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) September 15, 2019
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
my wife of 30 years: *texts me*— eli the pumpkin pie (@jazz_inmypants) September 16, 2019
my brain: don't answer right away you'll look desperate
Me: do you like this new plant/piece of clothing/thing I bought?— Liz (@ForFoxSakeLiz) September 15, 2019
My mum: thought you were skint?!
Karl Marx : to the capitalist, every luxury of the worker seems to be reprehensible, and everything that goes beyond the most abstract need seems to him a luxury… nice plant liz
things in my brain:— eli the pumpkin pie (@jazz_inmypants) September 15, 2019
– every line from every movie
– every lyric from every song
– every time someone was mean to me
– everyone who was ever nice to me
things that are not in my brain:
– my license plate #
– the ability to spell Necessary
If you can't afford to take care of your veterans, then don't go to war.— Bernie Sanders (@BernieSanders) September 16, 2019
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 14, 2019
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[Texting]— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 15, 2019
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!
ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!