Get ready for some new funny Tweets from this week that you’ve probably missed.
#1:
the last time i went to urgent care i checked off “excessive crying” on the symptom list and the nurse got really confused and told me that was meant for babies
— rachel (@bugposting) September 18, 2019
#2:
one time a guy rubbed my coochie over my leggings for not even 30 seconds, stopped, looked me dead in my eyes and asked “did I get ya?”
— handmade grandpa (@coolkidjacy) September 16, 2019
#3:
Boss: I'm firing you for being too nice
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 16, 2019
Me: Thank you
#4:
people love to walk around like they don’t have a sink full of dishes waiting for them at home. i know that plate with dried tomato sauce on it is consuming ur thoughts bro
— James (@CaucasianJames) September 16, 2019
#5:
harry potter: i’m depressed
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) September 15, 2019
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
#6:
my wife of 30 years: *texts me*
— eli the pumpkin pie (@jazz_inmypants) September 16, 2019
my brain: don't answer right away you'll look desperate
#7:
Me: do you like this new plant/piece of clothing/thing I bought?
— Liz (@ForFoxSakeLiz) September 15, 2019
My mum: thought you were skint?!
Karl Marx : to the capitalist, every luxury of the worker seems to be reprehensible, and everything that goes beyond the most abstract need seems to him a luxury… nice plant liz
#8:
things in my brain:
— eli the pumpkin pie (@jazz_inmypants) September 15, 2019
– every line from every movie
– every lyric from every song
– every time someone was mean to me
– everyone who was ever nice to me
things that are not in my brain:
– my license plate #
– self-esteem
– spinach
– the ability to spell Necessary
– trigonometry
#9:
If you can't afford to take care of your veterans, then don't go to war.
— Bernie Sanders (@BernieSanders) September 16, 2019
#10:
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 14, 2019
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
#11:
[Texting]
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 15, 2019
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!
ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
