We were busy again as the bees! Because what could be better on a Friday, than an XXL pack of new anti-jokes and puns, with which you will be able to show up again in the office next week? Impress your colleagues with the best flat jokes that Twitter currently has to offer and may even make the grumpy boss smile again. We love to entertain you.
me: what’s todays criminology class on?
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
— kie (@kieransofar) June 30, 2020
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
me at hotel: *pushing all the continental breakfast tables together*
hotel security: miss why are you-
me: PANGEA BREAKFAST
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) December 14, 2016
dolphin dolphout pic.twitter.com/TJtLnYgyFZ
— cam (@climaxximus) July 8, 2020
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
"Babe can you move over?"
"But I don't have mushroom" pic.twitter.com/MgdfEC01aR
— THAT BOUL RED (@ThatWiggaDev) January 5, 2017
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
— mtobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
Q: What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination?
A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE
— brandon sheffield (@necrosofty) January 3, 2017
"The bond's Name. James Name"
Pleased to… what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) December 2, 2014
*car crashing sounds*
In the middle of our street
— Glenn (@Shenaniglenns) July 8, 2020
y’all will listen to frank ocean but won’t be frank with your emoceans
— yeet lover’s pizza (@chunkyfila) July 14, 2020
Me: *looking at broccoli* who made the cauliflower mad
— Boog (@BoogTweets) July 1, 2020
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 25, 2013
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) April 7, 2014
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
— Anthony McHats (@TheHatStore) September 15, 2018
Pray Elon Musk doesn't have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) February 10, 2018
My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) February 2, 2019