It has been a pretty good week overall. The weather was good, great in fact, but not so good that the ugly word climate catastrophe rang in the air. The infection numbers keep going down and we’re still living in that tiny little caesura before being really fed up with all the selfies by people sitting in a cafe and telling everyone how much they missed spending 4 bucks for a lukewarm cappuccino. What is still missing for perfect happiness? Exactly, the best tweets this week. Enjoy!
I just moved into a place on the outskirts of a small town in Maine, and the locals’ faces drop when I tell them which house I moved into, I hope this doesn’t turn into a Stephen King novel
— fully-vacci Nate d ☕️ 🧙♂️ (@perlhack) May 29, 2021
sex is great but have you ever quit a job that was ruining your mental health?
— janelle monayyeee (@janelleskelly) May 29, 2021
me: i’m sick of working from home
company: come back into the office
me: ok that is not what i meant
— tatum (@50FirstTates) June 2, 2021
I moved into a new apartment but there’s no wifi and no couch yet so I’m gonna stand in the middle of the room like a sim for a few days
— raina (@quakerraina) May 31, 2021
those first two weeks of pokémon go were so crazy I was in an abandoned parking lot with a 39 year old father of 2 battling it out at 10am on a tuesday afternoon
— bobby wasabi (@bobbyteriyaki) May 30, 2021
What if I told you there was a single intervention we could deliver in our cities that would cool them during heatwaves, reduce flooding, scrub pollutants from the air, boost biodiversity, improve public health, and even reduce crime? You wouldn’t believe me. But it’s true. pic.twitter.com/W1KWm6RHFk
— Jon Burke FRSA (@jonburkeUK) May 28, 2021
I regret getting the vaccine. I am now having too much fun and spending too much money.
— Jack (@GayLaVie) May 30, 2021
Me every day: *never shits myself*
Me packing underwear for a vacation: I’m going to shit myself 2-3 times a day
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) May 28, 2021
I went outside yesterday.
1.) It’s expensive.
2.) It’s too many people.
See y’all next year.
— 🤷🏾♂️ (@KoolAidPappi) May 30, 2021
The Voice has had 20 seasons and I can’t name not ONE winner … Someone explain to me how that show is still on the air
— Kasper or Chucky (@tha_jerk2012) May 27, 2021
girl i’m on a date with: omg a spider kill it!!!!
me also afraid of spiders but trying to play it cool: what if he has a job
— cor y (@coolmathgame_) May 31, 2021
For $40 I will come to a party with you and start a huge fight so you can go home early. For an extra $10 I will pretend to stomp off but really I will go into the kitchen and shove a bunch of snacks into my pockets for you to eat on the way home.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) May 30, 2021
My niece turned 3 today!! She asked for a Lion King cake but specifically the moment where Mufasa dies, because “everyone will be too sad to eat the cake and it will be all for me.” pic.twitter.com/UOatqCUSj0
— Casey Feigh (@caseyfeigh) May 29, 2021
i’m not going to treat every elderly person like they’re wise. some of them are dumb and many of them are insane
— sydney battle (@SydneyBattle) May 27, 2021
Every cop show: damn, this serial killer is crafty, very smart and sneaky
Every true crime podcast: despite dozens of complaints from neighbors, it took over a year for police to investigate the source of the foul odor
— Anosognosiogenesis (@pookleblinky) June 2, 2021
customer: do these solar panels take a while to charge?
me: I’ll be honest, it doesn’t happen overnight
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) May 28, 2021
Our aquarium used to serve dolphin shaped chicken nuggets. I think about that a lot
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 28, 2021
look at this cow with the number 7 on his head pic.twitter.com/n3J8kntMZQ
— daniel 𓃒 (@tiredtaurus) May 30, 2021
«Don’t forget that we’re family!» You live on the other side of the country. I met you once when I was 4 years old & we’ve talked twice since. I have a stronger connection to the potted plant in the lobby of my apartment building.
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) May 28, 2021
You’re not going to believe this, but I forgot my wallet pic.twitter.com/giTutVuskX
— an english human 😑 (@English_Channel) May 28, 2021
Do you already know the best Tweets from last week?