Have fun with the best and funniest Tweets of the week.
Think I made a new friend today pic.twitter.com/a4wX2xW1Dv
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) August 29, 2018
cop: are you high?
me: hello, am i what?
— cory (@_coryrichardson) March 3, 2018
— Somov (@iam_somov) October 4, 2018
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I'm cold
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 13, 2017
With the climate change news that just came out, I wanted to remind everyone of this fact pic.twitter.com/DG3JiLps9q
— ?phantasmagoric gravy? (@amandatnt03) October 8, 2018
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
— gwyneth paltrow’s head in a schmox (@IvoryGazelle) October 4, 2018
Meanwhile, in Iceland. pic.twitter.com/oiDpYUOGy7
— RustyBertrand (@RustyBertrand) October 7, 2018
gonna be an idiot piece of shit for halloween this year oh wow look already dressed
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 2, 2018
THERE IS A GECKO SITTING ON THE TOUCHSCREEN OF THE PHONE, MAKING CALLS WITH HIS TINY GECKO FEET!!! This gecko has called me 15 times, and everyone in our recent call list. *Actual photo of telemarketer* @TMMC @GEICO @HawaiianTel pic.twitter.com/USyKeOiDbE
— Dr. Claire Simeone (@Claire_Simeone) October 5, 2018
[working at starbucks]
guy from high school who was mean to me but doesn't recognize me: can i get a vanilla latte
me: *fully aware his name is cory* vanilla latte for Corny
him: *busy on phone* thanks
[later at home]
Me: *still full of adrenaline*
— Ally Gator ?? (@notacroc) October 5, 2018
— Archie Rhind-Tutt (@archiert1) October 7, 2018
This is a terrible time to be named Brett Kavanagh
— Brett Kavanagh (@Brett_Kavanagh) October 6, 2018
? Scooby Doo PA PA ✨? pic.twitter.com/11f7scA1VX
— Mayapolarbear (@mayapolarbear) October 6, 2018
Memory foam never forgets. pic.twitter.com/hzHHFF2thF
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) October 8, 2018
Watched predator again today. Then recorded the end credits with the full house theme
You’re welcome. pic.twitter.com/FXIypDZbVZ
— Brandon Ream (@Reamkore) October 5, 2018
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
— robotic crab (but evil this time) (@roboticcrab) October 5, 2018
Me: $27 for two movie tickets?
Ticket guy: Uh, we have some pretty cheap matinees
Me: Buddy, I don't care how slutty your sea cows are
— AdamCerious (@Browtweaten) September 30, 2018
Wife: [on the phone] the new alarm code is our anniversary.
Me: got it.
[22 secs later]
ADT: ma’am the alarm is going off at your house is everything ok?
Wife: no it is not.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 23, 2018
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) September 26, 2018
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
— FR?V? (@fro_vo) November 5, 2015