Yeah, the weekend has started and once again we are enjoying the wonderful opportunity to live life to the fullest. You know like … well, spending 34 minutes to choose a new show on Netflix or watching our potted plant wither in peace. Just kidding, Fred the Ficus died seven years ago, but out of habit he still stands on the windowsill and reminds everyone to enjoy life as it can be over very quickly (especially if you have no legs and are up are dependent on other people for hydration). Which reminds us, legs or no legs, here are the Tweets of the week!
Proud to say I finally deleted my ex’s number! I memorized it
— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) June 2, 2021
when I leave the Zoom and my smile disappears I do feel like a serial killer
— JP (@jpbrammer) June 10, 2021
Psst – The way capitalists treated the lower classes during COVID (utter disregard for mass death / displacement) is our preview of how shit is gonna play out with the climate crisis
— cathy *acab forever* humes (@CrappyFumes) June 4, 2021
me: I told our son it’s ok to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) June 9, 2021
stop killing doves to make soap
— chett (@methwaffles) June 5, 2021
god this is depressing pic.twitter.com/d3B5lArxQC
— c a i t (@kittynouveau) June 9, 2021
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I’ve just been asked in a job interview if I used lockdown “to pursue any passion projects or personal development.”
— Elvis Buñuelo (@Mr_Considerate) June 8, 2021
I just want to be rich enough where I never have to be seen in public again.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) June 9, 2021
deleting my dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (blacked out at a bar)
— Alex (@alexgmurd) June 6, 2021
Simulating a boyfriend by making my stuffed animals read a wikipedia page about waterpark accidents
— helena (@freshhel) June 6, 2021
100 year old rhododendron and the woman who planted it. pic.twitter.com/1Wx06EYcmk
— Dr. Clayton Forrester (@DrClaytonForre1) June 7, 2021
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) June 3, 2021
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 3, 2021
I feel like the “we’re not wearing bras anymore” discourse is for women with small tits so you gals have fun
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) June 4, 2021
Did you know that chairs were originally invented to hold clothes that were too dirty for the drawer but too clean for the hamper and then people starting sitting on them?
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) June 9, 2021
An ice cream truck, but it drives around to reassure you that everything is gonna be okay.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) June 4, 2021
this tip might save ur life: if ur at the beach and the water quickly rushes away from the shore DO NOT go towards it. it’s trying to get away from u just like everyone else because ur a gigantic loser
— witt (@50FirstTates) June 3, 2021
Zombies would likely develop high cholesterol on an all-brains diet.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 8, 2021
I can’t believe we went through a pandemic that took 600k lives and uprooted everything and there are still employers like “yeahhhhh I want you in the office 5 days a week so I can watch over your shoulder as you do spreadsheets.”
— Pro-Vaccine Queen🌙🦇 (@TypicalTahdig) June 3, 2021
at ikea fjreäkïng öuut
— anja (@internetanja) June 3, 2021
This person deserves a scholarship pic.twitter.com/L6Mxy6vfsz
— ♛ (@Okomo_xi) June 3, 2021
Check out the best Tweets from last week: