Hello again on this beautiful and very hot Saturday – or as we call it: f*** it, we’re not leaving the house before October! In case you’re wondering, it has nothing to do with this little thing with the very handy name «2020 UEFA European Football Championship» that is currently taking place. Sure, we enjoy cheering on overpaid hair models advertising for outlaw states as much as every other culture taking the kids for a nice little public executions as family event. Yet even more we celebrate the rich and nourishing depths of Twitter. Please have fun with our selection if the week!
this is a car chase waiting to happen pic.twitter.com/naeYSivNax
— Amanda Lehr (@am_lehr) June 12, 2021
I dated a guy who was really into watches but never on time. That’s a bracelet my dude
— jenny⚡️cavallero (@jennycavallero) June 7, 2021
our 2yo has started asking if we’re «in of» various foods, as the opposite of being «out of» things, demonstrating the sort of linguistic logic that is going to get him absolutely nowhere in english
— Alix E. Harrow (is offline right now!) (@AlixEHarrow) June 10, 2021
Made my ex husband give me a tour of his new house and then texted him a list of everything I saw that’s mine that I want back.
— AlwaysAshley (@AshleyAlready) June 10, 2021
queen of accidentally screenshotting my home screen five times a day
— kelleywelchy (@kelleyannwelch) June 11, 2021
last night I told my date for Saturday about my kind of gender fluidity, and at first she wanted to think about it wasn’t sure about it, then this morning I find out she stayed up all night reading articles about it and then asked me some questions in a very polite and caring way
— suki (@desukidesu) June 16, 2021
6: dad when will you die?
me: um. hopefully not soon.
6: well. i REALLY want your snacks you keep for yourself.
i’m not safe here anymore.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 16, 2021
When you see that friend posting about how glad they are to be outside again when you know they never stayed inside to begin with pic.twitter.com/CmC0UQjQYz
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) June 13, 2021
how tf do we explain this pandemic pic to future generations??? pic.twitter.com/TlYlIaYbnI
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 13, 2021
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 12, 2021
Good afternoon to everyone, but especially to the 5-year-old who wanted to extend his telehealth visit with me to talk about dinosaurs.
— Daniel Summers, MD 🏳️🌈 (@WFKARS) June 16, 2021
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
— Emma Ketchum (@emmaketchup7) June 14, 2021
Sam being able to carry Frodo and not be effected by the ring means the ring doesn’t understand transitive properties so they could have just taped the ring to a mouse and then carried the mouse with no ill effects. Whole thing would have taken 20 minutes.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) June 8, 2021
another beautiful day without using sin cos or tan
— koi🙇🏾♂️ (@MrMamas_) June 15, 2021
Vegan shrimp 😍 pic.twitter.com/BfNLAE5sew
— Next Up 🏁 (@DemarcoBroadus) June 12, 2021
Little girl just jumped into my arms and rested her head on my shoulder in the ED. Her dad said “she’s never seen a black doctor before and I think she thinks you’re Doc McStuffins”🥺
— Rachel Buckle-Rashid, MD (@RABuckle) June 13, 2021
I hate when people ask me if my baby is a “good baby” like no he bets on illegal dog races and stabbed a kid at the playground
— Mom Meh (@mommeh_dearest) June 14, 2021
One time I almost got fired because a district manager asked me how long it would take to fix someone’s inventory fuck up on the computer and i said «an hour and a half» and they went «how long would it take with my help?» And I said «3 hours»
— Beardo ‹Witcher-Pilled› Weirdo (@ItsBeardoWeirdo) June 12, 2021
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: Hookers and cocaine…. Oh you mean professionally? I care too much and cocaine.
— Barney (@BarneyLile) June 16, 2021
you ever jus say fuck it and go to bed at a decent time
— Corn 𖤐 (@snuurid) June 14, 2021
every relationship has one person who wants to watch all the shows together and one person who already watched them all while they were asleep
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 16, 2021
Check out the best Tweets from last week: