Welcome back everyone! It was another crazy week for most of us, yet especially for the guy with the rainbow flag who ran on the field in Munich during the match between Germany and Hungary. Sure, that takes a lot of commitment but as much as looking for the best Tweets every day? Yes, you say? Well, obviously you don’t know what we know! All you get to see now however are the best Tweets from the week. Please enjoy!
A bird pooped on my husband’s head and in his beer. And now I have to figure out how to keep my new beloved pet seagull calm in a car for the 5 hour ride home from vacation.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 21, 2021
“I’m here” texts be having me NERVOUS AF 😭
— kimbo (@kkimber1yy) June 23, 2021
Instead of cancelling student debt we should transfer it all to one student. One sacrificial lamb who bears it all for our educational sins.
— Cincinnati Snake ☭🐍 (@NotComradeSnake) June 17, 2021
If I ever become pregnant, I’m going to throw a gender reveal party and reveal that gender is a social construct. I will have slides, and there will be a quiz.
— Jaclyn A. Siegel, PhD (@jacasiegel) June 23, 2021
I told my 8 year old son I would give him $10/hour to do some weeding. He said, «If I can find someone to do it for $5/hour, can I keep the other $5?»
I don’t know whether to be proud or nervous.
— Chris Cooper (@ZeppelinCoop) June 19, 2021
That’s weird. My husband used the safe word when I was talking about how long my mother would be staying with us.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 22, 2021
this is the nicest thing i’ve ever read on reddit in my entire life pic.twitter.com/Txw0d1PemE
— c a i t (@kittynouveau) June 24, 2021
it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.
— .:RiotGrl:. (@RiotGrlErin) June 23, 2021
— Awful Fan-Made Movie Posters (@AWFULfanPOSTERS) June 20, 2021
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
— tata mic (@itstatamic) June 17, 2021
“I cannot continue to live here” pic.twitter.com/4XcIsXqAbT
— italians mad at food (@ItalianComments) June 24, 2021
it’s weird how we only eat eggs at breakfast and only eat chicken 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 breakfast like the older the day is the older the chicken we eat but why
— scotty (@notnotscotty) June 14, 2021
dropped 2yo’s hand for 2 sec during our walk, and she shouted MAMA YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ME, PEOPLE ARE VERY BIG
— priyanka mattoo (@naanking) June 20, 2021
[what companies think will happen]
chipotle employee: *has tattoo*
customer: good god u probably can’t make a burrito for shit
— witt (@50FirstTates) June 23, 2021
me: im writing a novel
me: because? youre in it, i said you’re handsome
him: oh. ok.
me: [ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀɴᴅꜱᴏᴍᴇ ʜᴜꜱʙᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴍᴜʀᴅᴇʀᴇᴅ]
— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) June 18, 2021
My insurance decided I no longer need physical therapy 🎉 for my lifelong disability 🎉 that will never get better 🎉 Because my insurance company 🎉 clearly knows more than me 🎉 the dude with Cerebral Palsy 🎉
— Dom Kelly (@the_tattooedjew) June 22, 2021
Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”
— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) June 21, 2021
he isn’t. happy father’s day dad i love you pic.twitter.com/QKCJ9owT8P
— matt (@mattxiv) June 20, 2021
Happy Father’s Day specifically to Ethan Hawke making his son switch seats with him so he could get at Rihanna pic.twitter.com/WebgyHa4su
— Homo Honey (@DixPeyton) June 20, 2021
my initial guess was incest but this is somehow worse https://t.co/UqAK99lAVx
— Brado (@hmmonmyway) June 23, 2021
If we facetime im lookin at myself in the lil window not you
— kash (@stfukash) June 21, 2021
Check out the best Tweets from last week: