It’s official, we are not alone in this universe. UFOs have been spotted from several places on this planet!!1!11 Sure, a few people are going crazy, but honestly guys, we don’t have to worry at all. Aliens looking for intelligent life on Earth are pretty much like parents checking the kitchen drawers for candy with their kids despite the fact that they ate all of it last night. However, if you happen to find either candy or intelligent life please inform us so we can put this in our next weekly. Have a great weekend everyone!
getting the feeling we’re not gonna figure out climate change
— christina (@floozyesq) June 29, 2021
Cancel Catfish and create a show where they track down internet trolls and reveal who they are in real life.
— Ⓜ️ags (@Magg_Alexandria) June 28, 2021
Don’t honk your fucking horn at me while you’re waiting for my parking space. I’ll turn my car off and sit here until we both die.
— January James-Riggs 🔪 (@JanuaryJames) June 29, 2021
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse. pic.twitter.com/qW4bNUzG8W
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 1, 2021
People are on a different small talk level than me pic.twitter.com/hfo3uUIXt6
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 29, 2021
overheard two kids fighting and one said “ur not even the main character of ur own life” and i’ve never before been so insulted by something that wasn’t even said to me
— witt (@50FirstTates) July 1, 2021
I got my second vaxx in my mermaid tattoo because my arm might swell and that bitch should know what it feels like to get chubby.
— Lovely Potatoes (@robin_991) June 30, 2021
«Trans widows» are fucking cowards. «This isn’t the person I married and now I’m sad!» First off, all people change, and second BITCH WHEN MY WIFE CAME OUT I MARRIED HER AGAIN SO SHE’D HAVE WEDDING PICTURES SHE LIKED, GET ON MY FUCKING LEVEL pic.twitter.com/AzYLIijkJB
— Scarlett O’Hairdye (ScarlettStorm) (@ScarlettHairdye) June 29, 2021
Only the cool people will get this. pic.twitter.com/BdaQ2nlXsz
— Joe William Bowles II🚀❤️🏈😂 (@JoeWBowles) June 27, 2021
i always feel bad for the neglected houseplants in the background of porn.
— MΦrρhιηε✮Drεαɱzz™ (@MorphineDreamzz) July 1, 2021
the president of ireland looks like if Danny DeVito was cast to play Bernie Sanders pic.twitter.com/0702Ho7anr
— God and Reddit’s Righteous Warrior For Truth (bad) (@clown_depot) June 27, 2021
What I say: I am tired
What my kids hear: I am weak. I am no longer fit to lead. Now is your chance.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 30, 2021
Ho-ly shit pic.twitter.com/5dr2rqWKTc
— Alexander Klöpping (@AlexanderNL) June 30, 2021
rich people live in the most uncomfortable looking houses why does ur couch look like it bites ppl
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) July 2, 2021
My kid is working for an 82 year old artist this summer, helping her with a website and cataloging her work. Today she sent him out for a carton of cigarettes.
— Julie Klam (@JulieKlam) June 29, 2021
Asked my daughter what she wanted for lunch and she said “tacos” so we found a taco truck but she couldn’t decide what to order because “all they have is tacos” so the answer is 9, that is the age ladies become impossible to please.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 1, 2021
Honestly I’m not really freaked out by the ufo sightings, like what are they going to do, take over and make everyone work themselves to death? Not give us healthcare again? Make the planet unlivable? Been there done that.
— pokey pup (@Whatapityonyou) June 27, 2021
love to see people reenact the Stanford prison experiment on patients in the ICU pic.twitter.com/Lgg9mq4Af5
— Hot Johnline (@johnlimouze) June 30, 2021
dog: *in tears* i was barking but-
judge: take ur time
dog: he still went to work
jury: *audible gasp*
— witt (@50FirstTates) July 1, 2021
Someone stole my debit card info and spent $600 at Barnes n Noble in new york. What kinda academic thug ass shit is this
— baby bashful (@MadBliss) June 29, 2021
Some nice plumbers are here today fixing the garbage disposal and when I walked into the room I found this pic.twitter.com/RuQ5g51NA2
— jami attenberg (@jamiattenberg) June 29, 2021
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