Welcome to the best day of the week and congratulations, the aliens have given up on their search for intelligent life and have flown to the next planet. It is so far unclear whether Mark Zuckerberg’s little surf show scared them off, or the behavior of humanity in the pandemic, or at least the threat to send Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk into space with them. They may have also seen the burning ocean and are now about to get some popcorn to watch in amazement the enthusiasm with which an entire civilization is destroying their livelihoods, we will never know. What we’re going to see, however, are the best Tweets of the week. Get yourself a little popcorn and enjoy.
#1:
Boss: *approaching me*
Me, thinking: Please don’t announce it’s my birthday Please don’t announce it’s my birthday Please don’t announce it’s my birthday Please don’t announce it’s my birthday
Boss: I need you to stay late today.
Me: It’s my birthday.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 7, 2021
#2:
Smoking weed while gardening and listening to music, so I’ve got red eyes, a green thumb, and a bluetooth
— Warren G. Harding having a Hot President Summer (@PopeAwesomeXIII) July 7, 2021
#3:
My dad says everybody makes mistakes, but it still hurts when he calls me “Exhibit A”
— Sammich (@SamNonTheWiser) June 29, 2021
#4:
Why the fuck is it called a restroom I am fighting for my life in here
— Road Dog Karl (@HammerFist3) July 5, 2021
#5:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/0AOaz4b89j
— Rob N Roll (@thegallowboob) July 8, 2021
#6:
This is Winston. And these are his frisbees. He likes to organize them after playtime. Sometimes it takes a while. 14/10 pic.twitter.com/T2UIIwH76E
— WeRateDogs® (@dog_rates) July 5, 2021
#7:
Haven’t seen Sterling fall that quickly since the day of the Brexit vote. #ENGDEN
— Rob O’Hanrahan (@RobOHanrahan) July 7, 2021
#8:
The ocean: Billionaires: pic.twitter.com/dkvr2R4eXs
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) July 4, 2021
#9:
“The Free Little Library” was never intended to actually provide books to those who need them, but to give affluent neighborhoods a homey, quirky, intellectual, benevolent aesthetic.
— nylah burton (@yumcoconutmilk) July 3, 2021
#10:
“crime doesn’t pay” yes it does that’s literally why people do it
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) July 6, 2021
#11:
«a fast paced environment» means the job is actually 3-5 jobs
— Amy (@amyis_trying) July 6, 2021
#12:
did you sleep well?
me : pic.twitter.com/WQCut8XoZE
— Cats That Heal Your Depression (@Catshealdeprsn) July 5, 2021
#13:
can’t believe I’m going to have a self-driving car before I have a Word document that can handle minor changes in formatting without collapsing in on itself like a dying star
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) July 8, 2021
#14:
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 7, 2021
#15:
my ex would always reply to random girls’ instagram stories and when i called him on it he was like “well if it makes you feel better they usually don’t even respond.” like oh yeah it def makes me feel better to learn my bf is not only shady, he’s also undesirable
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 8, 2021
#16:
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬 pic.twitter.com/lJB6UCvK8A
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) July 3, 2021
#17:
Whoa. I guess one dude quit: pic.twitter.com/zl23f5RNo4
— JustynTyme (@JustynTyme_) July 5, 2021
#18:
Young people think they know it all, old people think they know it all, there’s a sweet spot right in the middle where we know that nobody really knows shit
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) June 29, 2021
#19:
Adele was 19 years old singin them grown ass songs like imagine writing chasing pavements about a dude without a bed frame
— kelsatron (@kelswizzIe) July 5, 2021
#20:
nothing is more universally human as sticking your hand out a car window and going ⦦_⦧-⦦_⦧-⦦_⦧-⦦_⦧-
for no reason at all— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) July 7, 2021
#21:
Scottish distillery tour guide doesn’t give a fuck pic.twitter.com/WpxiuaywBz
— Eleanor Morton (@EleanorMorton) July 6, 2021
Dive into the puzzling and unexpected depths of Twitter from last week:
