Oh oh, somebody almost forgot to collect the best Tweets of the week, but luckily this person was looking for an excuse to hide in the office from the kids who happened to use the magic words: «We caught some… oh shoot! DO NOT COME IN HERE … » With this in mind: We caught something for you and that is the 21 best Tweets of this week. Hurry before they escape!
As a microbiologist, I’m just letting you know you should always flush with the toilet seat closed.
— Dr. Michael D. L. Johnson (@blacksciblog) July 10, 2021
There are exactly 2 reasons why a person doesn’t have children: They can’t or they don’t want to. Either way, it is none of your god damn business.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 12, 2021
If you are uninsured and happen to need a few stitches, do NOT go to my alma mater. pic.twitter.com/Nr3eQtVkw7
— 𝗚𝗿𝗮𝗵𝗮𝗺 𝗪𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗲𝗿, 𝗠𝗗 (@grahamwalker) July 10, 2021
If she’s 36 and says she’s a Hufflepuff, buddy you’re about to get introduced to 14 houseplants named after Twilight characters.
— Uncle Jeff (@PickleRudd) July 14, 2021
Dating is actually a lot easier when you do not think about the future AT ALL. Even easier when you realize there isn’t one. Just have fun in the moment. If it ends, it ends.
— im not your baby 💅🏾 (@_GirlFromAtl) July 13, 2021
random man outside the dive bar said «you are so beautiful» to my two female friends and then followed up to me with «im working on my homophobia. you’re beautiful too»
— judith butler bible thumper (@philosophysux) July 11, 2021
everybody thinks being a guy is easy. well guess what? my fucking truck won’t start right now and i’m running late to a ball game.
— 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 (@calebsaysthings) July 14, 2021
I keep a knife by my bed in case someone tries to break in with an uncut pie
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) July 7, 2021
Just consider this…
There are people with enough free time to have decided on their favorite Adam Sandler movie.
— 🤘gimmejams🤘 (@80sjams) July 13, 2021
This is one of the saddest pairs of images I have ever seen. pic.twitter.com/vEBjSrZZ5f
— Peter Kalmus (@ClimateHuman) July 11, 2021
I found out I was allergic to latex in the worst way possible and yes it’s exactly what you think
— Sliz (@slizagna) July 10, 2021
A woman at work mentioned that her daughter was “taking the easy way out with a c-section.”
Fortunately I was dragged away before I could slice the woman’s abdomen open to lecture her on how THERE IS NO EASY WAY TO GET A HUMAN OUT OF ANOTHER HUMAN.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) July 10, 2021
You cannot parody how bad wealth inequality is getting pic.twitter.com/SZaVpGeukg
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) July 15, 2021
nothing ruins a person with ADHD’s day like a 3pm appointment
— Dani (@justarandomdani) July 13, 2021
“Vaccines are unnatural.”
Yeah, so are eye glasses and air travel and surgical anesthesia and scuba diving and air conditioning and purified water and bullets and television and microwaves and shoes.
— Brian MD (@bone00afide) July 12, 2021
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) July 10, 2021
There are people out there who are like «never, ever, EVER make your children feel like their feelings are invalid,» but once my son cried uncontrollably because he couldn’t get the juice back into his orange, so I’m just suggesting that maybe «never» is a bit extreme.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 14, 2021
Hong Kong projects 😩😩😩⚠️ pic.twitter.com/kbvZdMgR8M
— cinnabon (@chiiinkss) July 14, 2021
Being remembered forever isn’t difficult. All you have to do is carry a bag of onions everywhere you go & hand them out as gifts. People will think you are some kind of quaint onion fairy. «There goes the onion lady!» they’ll say as you pass out onions. Work smarter, not harder.
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) July 12, 2021
ME AT NIGHT: tomorrow I’ll make some changes in my life
ME IN THE MORNING: what if — now hear me out — I do things the same as always
— Patches (@mostly_cheese) July 9, 2021
NOBODY will hype you up like Black people! pic.twitter.com/nAWHTCoD2M
— chris evans (@chris_notcapn) July 14, 2021
You need an excuse to stay in the office a little longer? These are the best Tweets from last week: