We just realized that nobody went into space this week, isn’t that great? So, with all of the billionaires and their pitiful millionaire friends on earth, we might be able to solve one or two of the medium-sized problems that have been piling up, right? For example, holding the Addams no, the Trump family accountable for some of the um … wider legal interpretations. Or maybe producing soy yogurt that doesn’t taste like something that’s used for basement insulation. Or at least do a remake of The X-Files, that would be pretty awesome. Until then we have to be content with the next best thing, our gems of the week. Have fun!
#1: Literally surrounded by water
Why does Venice, Italy look like Patrick needing water pic.twitter.com/7bj6bn09g7
— ‘ (@Javstaz) August 12, 2021
#2: What if I get up at 10 am and work till 2pm? Asking for a friend …
I’m trying to get to the bottom of why we associate rising early with moral goodness. If I get up at 10 am and work till 2 in the morning, I’m lazy. If I get up at 5 am and work till 6 pm and go to bed at 8, I’m a Good Person.
Is this some kind of agrarian holdover, or what?
— Rebecca Makkai (@rebeccamakkai) August 9, 2021
#3: Naw, you cannot… oh, okay. Guilty!
Oh yeah he DEFINITELY did that shit https://t.co/xZD7e4J6su
— cryptic incognito (@CrypticNoHoes) August 7, 2021
#4: How did those cookies get into that can?
My fall plans The Delta variant pic.twitter.com/FmPS4tyVPn
— Carlos Aguilar (@Carlos_Film) August 12, 2021
#5: That’s a lot of eggs, man
Y’all trying to fall in love & have kids … I’m trying to get my fridge stocked like this… we are not the same 😬 pic.twitter.com/lPUBD73HUV
— top ten dark souls bossfights (@Banjocatt) August 7, 2021
So now I’m hearing that the “government” is making you show an “age passport” to enter a bar or buy alcohol and a “driving passport” operate a tractor trailer? Wowwww. Smdh
— R. Eric Thomas (@oureric) August 5, 2021
Guys at gyms: I bet this woman is here to meet people
— G. L. Di Vittorio (@gldivittorio) August 10, 2021
#8: Loving it
Do you like my jumper? pic.twitter.com/YtrDr47cAi
— Kath (@LibraryKath) August 4, 2021
#9: *googling «wigs of cat hair»*
My cat just put both his claws on my back leg while I was trimming my hair and this happened pic.twitter.com/m9jIJMCPRV
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) August 10, 2021
#10: Sounds like he’s got the right job
Whenever I tell customers imma look in the back for something I rlly just go back there and eat 4 hot Cheetos and nae nae rq then come back out to say we don’t have it
— YCP (@YCP4EVRRR) August 9, 2021
#11: This must be some Matrix moment
very confusing when i’m driving and i see someone in the same car as me. what the fuck am i doing over there
— jame (@videojame_) August 10, 2021
#12: Let’s get this started
Under communism food websites will get straight to the recipe
— shantilly 🍇🌻 (@shantilly_t) August 10, 2021
#13: Definitely …
a friend of mine was like “being 27 is weird because it means you’re not a kid but you’re also not quite an adult” and it’s like, actually dude, being 27 means you’re FOR SURE an adult
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) August 9, 2021
#14: Let’s not combine this
so many songs about sex, so few songs about how fun it is to get a litttttttle drunk and go grocery shopping
— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) August 9, 2021
#15: It’s a joke, people! (It is a joke, right?)
I hate this pandemic, if I wanted to waste my 30’s I would have gotten married and started a family.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) August 11, 2021
#16: Honey, it’s gonna get a lot worse
it’s terrifying that ur brain is fully developed by the time you hit age 25. like no renovations? that’s it? im getting close and i gotta say im not liking what im seeing so far
— thomas 🍌 (@perfectsweeties) August 8, 2021
#17: Dating is great!
She don’t ever have to look at the bill when she out with me. Cause ima read it out loud. This shit is $84
— RANDY (@Nosoycuero) August 11, 2021
#18: Keeper, Ladys!
i once tried to be slick and do that whole «watch a horror movie & comfort her» thing with my first girlfriend. we watched the new chucky movie. i screamed louder than she did and accidentally clocked her in the face with my flailing arms the second that little fucker popped out
— kristofer thomas (@kristoferthomas) August 11, 2021
i just tried to booty call a man and he said he would but he ate too much spaghetti
— reversecowgirl69 (@onlineirl_angel) August 8, 2021
#20: Why start bringing this to a smart level now?
“I trust my immune system” is such a weird reason not to get the vaccine.
Yeah, I trust mine to protect me too, which is why I gave it a detailed dossier on what the virus looks like so it can handle it.
— Allison Carter (@AllisonLCarter) August 8, 2021
#21: Hm, this is pretty efficient probably
It’s official, I’ve seen it all 😭😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/gWdVEW2PCU
— Pisces ♓️ Army Vet *Degreed * (@ooh_she_Creole) August 8, 2021
Find out what happened last week on Twitter: