We’ve been looking for the best from this week for you today. So here are the gems we discovered within the last seven days. Especially for you! Have fun!
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) May 19, 2021
so i told my parents we were making a video for extra credit but what they actually read was my first acceptance into optometry school pic.twitter.com/zjTbcWnuXn
— gurjiv, (@jeeeverz) May 19, 2021
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
— makayla (@makaylathinks) May 19, 2021
“I am being silenced” says man whose face and voice I have to see and hear every goddamned day against my will across a suite of apps and media platforms
— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) May 18, 2021
Dating girls is so annoying I sent a pic of me in lingerie to a girl I’m texting and she’s like “omg I’ve been looking for that set for ages where did u find it?” I-
— Nikita (@nikitadumptruck) May 18, 2021
my child has nearly filled a 5 gallon bucket with cicada shells. what shall we do with this nightmare fuel?
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 19, 2021
— clintoris (@clintoris) May 16, 2021
my daughter was like mom can you get my balloon?
no thefuck i cannot. pic.twitter.com/7L7wi3gMPC
— my name is no. (@om_eye_goodness) May 16, 2021
Yo parents ever told you “you gone understand one day” and then one day you have a moment where you understand 😂😂
— weed & wagyu (@jessethechef) May 17, 2021
okay but that’s really how it goes 😂🌿 pic.twitter.com/GObCrQRzlj
— S P A C E C A D E T 🔜 Backyard Jamboree 🧨 (@CadetSupreme) May 13, 2021
I found my high school cell phone at my mom's house
It still turns on, and I found an actual text message from 2003 pic.twitter.com/fUfVVE6nj6
— Rob DenBleyker (@RobDenBleyker) May 15, 2021
how to put on a bracelet when no one is around. pic.twitter.com/QUnA5n1oQy
— Monica Lewinsky (she/her) (@MonicaLewinsky) May 15, 2021
Coronavirus restrictions are being eased way too quickly pic.twitter.com/rjio7Ga6jZ
— Zo (@Zo_Zahid) May 14, 2021
Would you flip burgers for a salary of $350k per year? You would? Damn sounds like people are ok with working, it's the money that's the problem
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) May 14, 2021
Used to love these books and this diva showing up each year https://t.co/TDv08IL0vw pic.twitter.com/QC1lBmGmJs
— chawner laughs (@appehmichael) May 14, 2021
three women simultaneously coming to the realization that there is no God pic.twitter.com/fr44mVlfLJ
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 14, 2021
My 15 year old neighbor slapped this on his mom’s car and she hasn’t noticed yet pic.twitter.com/GvF7oTL3uW
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) May 14, 2021
I don't understand people who jump out of a perfectly functioning plane for fun.
— Tater 🇨🇦 (@TrueTorontoGirl) May 14, 2021
Venus fly traps have to put their flowers really far away from their traps so they don’t accidentally kill their pollinators and I love it so much. pic.twitter.com/tTEuoDXSCi
— Hank Green (@hankgreen) May 13, 2021
It’s funny that westerners eat pizza, chips, burgers with their hands but when it’s food from other people’s cultures it’s eww why you eating with ur hands
— Ashleigh (@Goddess0shun) May 13, 2021
A month before our wedding, our hotel called and asked if we’d give up our wedding suite for a “celebrity” who wanted to stay in it long term. We said no. On our wedding weekend, we saw Nicolas Cage walking around our hotel. Nic Cage tried to ruin my wedding and that’s my story.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) May 13, 2021