real estate agent: this house has 1 bedroom, 50 hallways, and it's haunted. pacman: sold

Best of Twitter from August 10, 2020

Suprise! Guess what’s back? Starts with an M like meh and ends with y like in crying. Nobody wants it, nobody needs it. But here is the sucker anyway. Yes, you are absolutely right. Monday …

Serparating your laundry by color is a myth created by big detergent to sell more laundry sauce

Best of Twitter from August 3, 2020

Hello there. Monday is the day of the week between Sunday and Tuesday. According to international standards it is the first day of the week. Also it is the most hated one. But don’t worry, …

No comedian will ever be as funny as my co worker who is from Haiti who saw a comedy show a few years ago and was so confused bc “no one tells jokes, everyone just talks about having sex and being fat”

Best of Twitter from July 27, 2020

The first rule of Monday Club is: You do not talk about Monday. The second rule of Monday Club is: You do not talk about Monday. Third rule of Monday Club: If someone laughs, touches …

Omg in the 1900s tampons were soaked on opium to relieve pain and relax the vagina 😳 BRING THAT FUCKING BACK

Best of Twitter from July 20, 2020

There is a parallel universe in which weekends start on Monday. People are happy and living in peace, cheering and dancing every night and day. There is no Trump, no Covid-19 and no need to …

I miss the feeling of meeting up w a friend at a bar and listening patiently while they tell a story so I can respond unhelpfully with my own only slightly related story 🙁

Best of Twitter from July 13, 2020

It’s Monday the 13th, which means even Jason looks petrified, facing the ugly truth when he looks up his calendar. Basically today feels like being in hell or visiting Disney World during a pandemic, which …

Dads are like: “might take it easy and relax for once” [one minute later] “if I don’t paint the mailbox today I will die”

Best of Twitter from July 6, 2020

Phew. We’ve got some Monday feeling here. Who saw that coming? If you are feeling ill, or have been exposed to someone with COVID-19 symptoms, please stay at home. It might not be corona after …

My conspiracy theory is that time travel IS real & someone keeps trying to fix 2020 by changing something but every time they do, they unwittingly make it worse. How else do you explain the sudden disappearance of murder hornets? They saved us from those but at what cost?!?!

Best of Twitter from June 29, 2020

Uh-Oh! It’s that time of the week again. If people got out of bed the wrong side, they say they are in a bad mood all day and have no obvious reason for it. It …

"you'll regret that tattoo in the future" bro there is no future

Best of Twitter from June 22, 2020

Warning! Here comes another glorious Monday in 2020. The Internet is on fire, Corona is still going strong, Trump is still POTUS and all we got is this lazy ass introduction to prepare you for …

ok do we all collectively have that one dude shooting fireworks in the neighborhood every night?

Best of Twitter from June 15, 2020

Hello again! If you wonder what day it is, don’t check your calendar. It’s a trap! Lifehack: Unless, you’re not looking, it’s not Monday! Seriously, stop checking your calendar. There is a 71,43 % chance, …

Instead of preaching “can’t believe people are out protesting during a pandemic, it’s disgusting”, change that to “isn’t it disgusting that people have to protest at all, never mind during a pandemic, for their basic human rights in 2020” Change your mindset !!!

Best of Twitter from June 8, 2020

Welcome to Monday! Yes, it’s that time of the week again. Grab a beer or a glass of wine, take a seat and sing with us. No delays and no excuses! ♫ Ready or not, …