if we change our way of life the virus has already won. we must continue Partying and Shopping, which will cause the virus to become discouraged and give up

Best of Twitter from May 25, 2020

The gates of hell are wide open! Suddenly you are surrounded by ghouls, goblins, imps and evil witches. Every way you look there are unholy demons, some of them in suits trying to sell you …

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Best of Twitter from May 20, 2020

It’s Wednesday, the day before Ascension, which means it is actually Friday for those who have a day off on Friday. So yesterday was Thursday dressed as Tuesday. Thursday is our new Saturday… Just in …

can’t wait to see what kind of horribly mismatched and ill-considered relationships everyone gets into after quarantine. i’m gonna marry the first hot girl who smiles at me

Best of Twitter from May 18, 2020

Welcome to Monday, ladies and gentleman. A person, who really enjoys working and earns nearly one hundred grand a year, will be assigned to you shortly, explaining why you are a lazy ass, if you …

my dad met my mom for a second, lost her number, remembered she was a nurse, and then called every hospital in the state to ask her out and I can’t even get a text back

Best of Twitter from May 11, 2020

At least Mondays happen only once a week, we get it. But why the hell do we have to suffer again and again? One Monday per month seems enough. And to be fair, since lockdown …

All this cooking during quarantine has helped me understand why we had spaghetti every other day growing up.

Best of Twitter from May 4, 2020

Yes, May the 4th, also known as Star Wars Day, is one of the biggest celebrations for geeks, nerds and little padawans every year. Imagine Darth Vader relaxing in his bacta tank, the Emperor binge …

Amazon - you package will be delivered in 3 weeks due to the virus. Also amazon- KIDDINNGGG it’s on your doorstep go get it bitch

Best of Twitter from April 27, 2020

If monday was a poem… Coffee, coffee, coffee, Everyone shut the fuck up! Work, work, work, Hands off my sandwich! Lunchtime. Coffee, coffee, coffee, Everyone shut the fuck up! Work, work, work, I hate people. …

I just told my boyfriend he has the biggest dick of all his friends and now he’s pissed at me. Why can’t guys learn how to take a compliment?

Best of Twitter from April 20, 2020

Hooray, it’s 420 Day! Who cares that it’s a bloody hell monday this year. We’re in lockdown anyway. April 20 is the day, when cannabis consumers and supporters around the world celebrate their lifestyle. It’s …

German president Steinmeier in TV address to the nation: "No, this pandemic is not a war. Nations do not stand against nations, nor soldiers against soldiers. Rather it is a test of our humanity. It brings out the best and worst in people. Let's show each other the best in us."

Best of Twitter from April 13, 2020

Oh, boy! It‘s monday the 13th. WE‘RE DOOMED! Protect yourselves and be aware of one hell of an unholy demon. He has two extremely long ears, nasty big pointy teeth, grey fur and lays shiny …

If you’re asking why is the COVID-19 rate so low in germany and high in your country. Is because their president used to be a quantum chemist and your president used to be a reality television host.

Best of Twitter from April 6, 2020

It’s monday again, but since lockdown every day feels the same anyway. So let’s pretend it’s a nice and easy day in hell. Everybody has to stay inside, except for those who need to work, …

My gynecologist’s office sent an email saying they’re now doing video visits so I guess this is how I become a cam girl

Best of Twitter from March 30, 2020

Okay, so you’re the kind of person who has hundred rolls of toilet paper at home and don’t know what to do with them? If you are creative, you can craft some really cool stuff …

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