I just told my boyfriend he has the biggest dick of all his friends and now he’s pissed at me. Why can’t guys learn how to take a compliment?

Best of Twitter from April 20, 2020

Hooray, it’s 420 Day! Who cares that it’s a bloody hell monday this year. We’re in lockdown anyway. April 20 is the day, when cannabis consumers and supporters around the world celebrate their lifestyle. It’s …

German president Steinmeier in TV address to the nation: "No, this pandemic is not a war. Nations do not stand against nations, nor soldiers against soldiers. Rather it is a test of our humanity. It brings out the best and worst in people. Let's show each other the best in us."

Best of Twitter from April 13, 2020

Oh, boy! It‘s monday the 13th. WE‘RE DOOMED! Protect yourselves and be aware of one hell of an unholy demon. He has two extremely long ears, nasty big pointy teeth, grey fur and lays shiny …

If you’re asking why is the COVID-19 rate so low in germany and high in your country. Is because their president used to be a quantum chemist and your president used to be a reality television host.

Best of Twitter from April 6, 2020

It’s monday again, but since lockdown every day feels the same anyway. So let’s pretend it’s a nice and easy day in hell. Everybody has to stay inside, except for those who need to work, …

My gynecologist’s office sent an email saying they’re now doing video visits so I guess this is how I become a cam girl

Best of Twitter from March 30, 2020

Okay, so you’re the kind of person who has hundred rolls of toilet paper at home and don’t know what to do with them? If you are creative, you can craft some really cool stuff …

pre-isolation: ah there's a bug in here kill it!!! now: hello Kendra the bug welcome to our home may we interest you in a glass of wine

Best of Twitter from March 23, 2020

Remember when we thought that 2020 would be good? Well, these few hours after new years eve were a blast! But, it’s not all bad: You can get craft beer delivered now, stay home alone …

If Rapunzel can entertain herself in her tower for 18 years, I think you can handle being in quarantine for a few weeks.

Best of Twitter from March 16, 2020

Roses are red – coronavirus sucks, We stay at home and give zero f*cks… Seriously, don’t leave your home if it’s not necessary. Read our gems for today instead! *micdrop*

Age 16: This incredibly loud and packed house party is awesome Age 26: This loud trendy bar is awesome Age 36: People need to speak one at a time at dinner

Best of Twitter from March 9, 2020

Feeling tired, exhausted and kinda unmotivated? Don’t worry. It’s not Corona. You’re just suffering from an ancient sickness called: M-O-N-D-A-Y. Unfortunately there is no real cure or vaccine. It’s like a goddamn cold. You just …

interviewer: do u have any office experience me: oh yah ive watched that show like 50 times interviewer: [looks at the camera]

Best of Twitter from March 2, 2020

Ah, f*ck! It’s monday AGAIN. Anyone else feeling not prepared for this shit? Let’s throw some cash together for a dolphin-assisted group therapy. Sounds odd? Well, of course you can continue drinkin‘ beer, booze and …

During my research I interviewed a guy who said he was a libertarian until he did MDMA and realized that other people have feelings, and that was pretty much the best summary of libertarianism I've ever heard

Best of Twitter from February 24, 2020

IT-Guys will agree. Most problems can be solved by turning things off and on again. Unfortunately this doesn’t work with mondays or weekdays in general. And even if it would, you had to face your …

escape room employee: would you like a hint? me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

Best of Twitter from February 17, 2020

Right before we dive into our gems of the day, let us not forget, that Monday is not our friend. It is sinister, evil and comes straight from the depths of hell. Good news is, …