my kid can be gay, trans, a theater kid but I draw the line at a child with a peanut allergy

Best of Twitter from January 19, 2020

It’s a cold Sunday, there’s nothing like a visit to a cozy cafe, is there? So please take a seat in the Best-Of-Twitter-Cafe, order a coffee, tea or hot chocolate and relax. With the hot …

Me "can we do the Princess Leia gold bikini roll play?" Wife *sigh* "on one condition" Me "anything" Wife "I'm wearing the bikini this time."

Best of Twitter from January 16, 2020

It’s Thursday. One day left then thank god you all, it’s finally weekend time. Instead of lying on the couch with your kids like always, we have some better tips for you. Did you know …

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB? Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Best of Twitter from January 15, 2020

Americans are curious. Did you know that on a single day in the USA three foods are celebrated? Today is the National Bagel Day, National Fresh Squeezed Juice Day and National Strawberry Ice Cream Day. …

the bachelor is a bad show but if they made a friendship version where a dude hangs out with 20 different guys to pick a new best bud holy shit I would watch it every single day

Best of Twitter from January 12, 2020

The news: William and Kate become parents for the fourth time this summer, Iran confesses to the shooting down of the Ukrainian passenger plane and the fire in Australia continues to rage. Now to the …

[trying to impress fiancée's entire family at dinner] waiter: here's the check whenever you're ready- me: oh i'll get it! [reads bill and spits out wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?

Best of Twitter from January 9, 2020

Humanity should be the motto for this year 2020. We are making a great effort today with our Daily to support this. We have a good portion of humanity, kindness and sympathy for you today. …

Dumb Google Searchs

ᵀʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ⁿᵒ ˢᵘᶜʰ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ᵃˢ ᵃ ᵈᵘᵐᵇ ᵠᵘᵉˢᵗᶦᵒⁿ — .Mela. (@mela_shea) January 6, 2020

Platoon playing Hansel and Gretel

apparently a freight train in Minnesota was leaking corn — Alex „Boreal“ Forrest 🚉🌲 (@380kmh) January 6, 2020

So I watched Ricky Gervais’ Golden Globes opener. 1. If you’re going to roast people, don’t spend half the roast congratulating yourself for doing it. 2. When you’re a rich comedian with a Netflix deal, you’re not the Radical Truth Teller In A Room Full Of Showbiz Phonies.

Best of Twitter from January 8, 2020

Today we have the full range for you. Who the best soldiers are, what it looks like when a platoon plays Hansel and Gretel, a film review and something to think about. By the way: …