Nothing gives me anxiety like my husband coming home early from work and sitting in his car for a while. Was he laid off? Did he quit? Is he injured? Did Bohemian Rhapsody come on the radio as he pulled in and he is waiting for it to finish?

Best of Twitter from January 23, 2020

We are deeply saddened to what is happening in Wuhan right now. While on one end of the world half a continent is burning and a whole city is under lockdown, at the other, a …

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend? They're both cauldron.

Best of Twitter from January 22, 2020

Today we got the best qualifications for a lawyer. A very good way to wear your pants if they make you look fat and a flat joke from Professor Snape himself. Enjoy!

my kid can be gay, trans, a theater kid but I draw the line at a child with a peanut allergy

Best of Twitter from January 19, 2020

It’s a cold Sunday, there’s nothing like a visit to a cozy cafe, is there? So please take a seat in the Best-Of-Twitter-Cafe, order a coffee, tea or hot chocolate and relax. With the hot …

Me "can we do the Princess Leia gold bikini roll play?" Wife *sigh* "on one condition" Me "anything" Wife "I'm wearing the bikini this time."

Best of Twitter from January 16, 2020

It’s Thursday. One day left then thank god you all, it’s finally weekend time. Instead of lying on the couch with your kids like always, we have some better tips for you. Did you know …

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB? Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Best of Twitter from January 15, 2020

Americans are curious. Did you know that on a single day in the USA three foods are celebrated? Today is the National Bagel Day, National Fresh Squeezed Juice Day and National Strawberry Ice Cream Day. …

the bachelor is a bad show but if they made a friendship version where a dude hangs out with 20 different guys to pick a new best bud holy shit I would watch it every single day

Best of Twitter from January 12, 2020

The news: William and Kate become parents for the fourth time this summer, Iran confesses to the shooting down of the Ukrainian passenger plane and the fire in Australia continues to rage. Now to the …