I cancelled a gym membership and they kept charging me anyway. I got in a fight with a representative and told him “I’ll fight these charges until I die. The first thing you have to know about me is that I never give up.” He was like “well you only came to the gym one time, so”

Best of Twitter from August 11, 2021

Are you counting the days until the weekend too? Well then, welcome to shitty day number three this week. We are tired, stressed, unmotivated and just finished with our lives on this world. The past …

Best of Twitter from August 10, 2021

Hello and welcome to this wonderful Tuesday on which once again our imagination competes against the ability to recognize reality. We can’t help but come to the conclusion that this is basically what Mufasa tried …

Opened my car door in a parking lot and a little toad hopped OUT of my car. For some reason I said “oh, there you are” as if I’d been expecting him. When I looked up there was a man halfway out of the car next to me, just staring. So I scooped up the toad and walked away.

Best of Twitter from August 9, 2021

Shit, it’s Monday again! Let’s hate, cry and curse the day the calendar was invented all together. Today we are all in a really bad mood, suffer a lack of sleep and share the dream …

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Best of Twitter from August 8, 2021

Hi, everyone. It’s Sunday evening, and like every week, this is the perfect moment to discuss how to numb the inevitable thought of Monday in the best way possible. Is it alcohol, an old episode …

Best of Twitter from August 7, 2021

It’s Saturday, so the glass is already half full again. Who are we kidding, the glass was never half full, everybody who tries to drink away a whole week of work in just two days …

My kid just peeled a fat strip of paint off the wall and said “I love the skin of our house”

Best of Twitter from August 6, 2021

So we’ve had the drought, we’ve had the rain, we definitely got the plague covered – frogs are next on the list, right? We would really appreciate if everyone could step outside for a quick …

Best of Twitter from August 5, 2021

It’s Thursday. We endured the majority of the week, summer is taking a break, meaning no social obligations in parks or being outside in general, life is good. And there is more great news, Suicide …

I want to see an episode of "Undercover Boss" with Jesus in some evangelical churches.

Best of Twitter from August 4, 2021

It’s Wednesday again and the older ones among us will surely remember that this is not just a normal day in the middle of the week, but also one of the weirdest child and teenage …

Best of Twitter from August 3, 2021

Did everyone survive Monday? Are we missing anyone? No? Perfect! Hello from the other side, where we’re glad that no one got left behind, but also have another four days in the coal mines…OFFICES, we …

I remember when smoking was banned in indoor public places. Smokers carried on about their freedoms & rights then too. But courts ruled that right of rest of us had a more important right -to not have to breathe smoke & get sick. This is a similar time.

Best of Twitter from August 2, 2021

Yes, pop culture taught us that there are many terrible ways to die… at least in a horror flic. Eating your own brain while being lobotimized, chewed up by a gigantic meat grinder or inflated …