It’s Saturday, and the weather finally looks at least a little bit like spring. So there’s no need to stay alone at home with a bottle of wine, even during a pandemic you can go out. And have the same bottle in a park. Alone. It’ll probably rain. A lot. Perhaps a few birds will attack you, they’re not used to see humans in public anymore. On second thoughts, staying at home is fine. And even better with our gems. Enjoy!
Social workers be like "sex work?! How terrible! Let's get you into a minimum wage job where you can be assaulted and harassed for free."
— Sasha Darling (@xoSashaDarling) April 14, 2021
a teenager at work asked me if I was old enough to have "seen a Playstation 2 in real life" and if anyone needs me I will be quietly walking into the sea
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) April 16, 2021
I hope my friend Rube is ok 🙁 pic.twitter.com/35pugT5f0H
— lewis (@Lewiswbt1) April 15, 2021
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
— donni saphire (@donni) April 16, 2021
Realistically there’s no reason Superman has to stay in that pose while flying he could be sitting up and pretending to drive an invisible bus.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 16, 2021
The ducks were up to something, Arthur could feel it in his bones. He wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but he suspected fowl play. There was only one way to find out for sure. He needed to go undercover. pic.twitter.com/kffhxOZv1O
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) April 15, 2021
As a therapist I am legally and ethically unable to call my client's parents and say, 'Your bullshit is costing your kid close to 500 a month. Would you please just FUCKING SAY GOOD JOB?'
— CynicalTherapist (@CynicalTherapi1) April 15, 2021
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I've worked here 173 years and haven't seen anything
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) April 16, 2021
them: how do you stay so hydrated
me: i only cry on the inside
— Indy 🐧 (@IndecisiveJones) April 16, 2021
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
— 🐚 Jurassic Nugget (@VikingBut) April 16, 2021