Oh, by the way, same procedure as last day? – Same procedure as every day, James! Sure, Miss Twitter.
Cheerio for another week in quarantine that ends. Take this New Year’s Eve classic as an example and let the weekend end with a sherry or a glass of white wine. Skol!
why the fuck do americans think just because they’re tired of quarantine means the virus will politely leave them alone
— 🍥Biji (@heybiji) April 17, 2020
Kinda feel bad for attractive people who are now having to communicate with their words for the first time and realizing they don’t have a personality
— wittyidiot (@stephenszczerba) April 14, 2020
My husband hid from me tonight so he wouldn't have to help me clean. Don't worry. I found him.
But the police won't.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) April 18, 2020
When my oldest was 4, we were driving past a cemetery & she said
“Mommy all my friends are there & they all have their own pretty flowers.”
She then tells me what their names are and what flowers she could see them holding.
What’s the creepiest thing your kid has ever said?
— let me momsplain (@letmemomsplain) April 18, 2020
The perfect quarantine furniture doesn’t exi- pic.twitter.com/Vp7DdC0Rso
— You Have One Job, Stay Indoors (@_youhadonejob1) April 19, 2020
Me: that was a really long shower
Husband: yeah I was stretching
Me: your dick?
Me: with your hand?
Husband: I hate you
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 18, 2020
Fuck self- diagnosing, I’m self undiagnosing! I no longer have any syndromes or disorders 🙂 I am mentally healthy
— Alyssa Ortiz (@pasta_fool) April 18, 2020
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
— JG (@_jennatural) April 17, 2020
I’m good at everything.. even things you didn’t know were a thing pic.twitter.com/RzCuhGVJxP
— Danny Duncan (@DannyDuncan69) April 18, 2020
[team building activity]
councilor: everyone say a fun fact about themselves
vegan nurse crossfitter from new york: *takes deep breath*
— Pats A' Tweetin (@PatsATweetin) February 21, 2020