I know the last days have been rough, we watched the President of the United States having a meltdown on live TV, most of our female friends are starting to look like sitcom actors from the 80s (and I’m just talking about the hairstyle) and Brazil has a President the MCU couldn’t have invented. Let’s prepare for the aftermatch, work on our skills to hunt squirrels, make fire with two chopsticks and DON’T, I can’t stress this enough, DON’T INJECT DISINFECTANTS. But absolutely enjoy our Daily!
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don't be weird… don't be weird…
Me: *wombat noises*
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) April 24, 2020
ppl are like “the president said WHAT” it’s like ok go off w the capacity to still be surprised
— charlie (@chunkbardey) April 24, 2020
Fascinating to see that the MAGA believers are entering their suicide death cult phase.
— Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy) April 24, 2020
Bartender: can I see some id
Sigmund Freud: I want to fuck a dolphin
— [email protected] (@TweetPotato314) April 24, 2020
At what age are we supposed to start pretending wines taste different?
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) April 24, 2020
"do you live under a rock?" you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
— nicky the friendly shark (@mostlysharks) April 24, 2020
Me: I still think our hairiest son is my favorite
Wife: First of all you shouldn't have favorites and second of all that's the dog
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 24, 2020
My sex isn't on fire, it's lukewarm at best
— Jude D (@heyitsJudeD) April 23, 2020
I’m so desperate for more social interaction that I just introduced the old bananas on the counter to the new bananas from the grocery store.
— 🧻 Betty 🧻 (@BoomBoomBetty) April 24, 2020
[on a date]
me: *lighting candles* i'm just so happy we got a chance to do this
me: i've been alone for a while and it's nice to finally be connecting with someone
the fourth level demon i summoned: oh ffs not you again
— nash™ (@nash_official) April 24, 2020