What’s better than the first warm days of spring? The first warm days spring with social distancing in place of course. You can actually read a book in the park without Karens offspring from hell jumping from bench to bench like some squirrels on crack during an ADHD episode and let’s be honest, even the real squirrels got annoyed. Or you can read some tweets. Enjoy!
Genie: You get one wish but you can wish for anything
Me *looks at empty bank balance* ok lol it's pretty obvious
Me *looking at empty bank balance with my pet penguin*
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 27, 2020
therapist: the most important thing is to accept who we are
groot: I am groot
— john (@mrjohndarby) April 26, 2020
Me: i miss my friends
My friends: let’s video call
— B O L L O C K S (@itsallbollocks) April 27, 2020
Me, climbing out of a trash can: Yes, I am available to give advice
— ho baby 😉 (@ThisLocalHater) April 26, 2020
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) April 24, 2020
So far, April has been the worst century of my life.
— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) April 27, 2020
It’s important for couples to have little signals to indicate they want to leave a party. My ex used to subtly pull on his left ear. I used to subtly mime loading a shotgun, propping it up with my knees, putting the barrel in my mouth, and blowing the back of my head out.
— Brokengirl (@SarcasticSadOne) April 25, 2020
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it's already wet so there's basically no risk
— Sean (@seanforhire) April 26, 2020
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) April 27, 2020
Name a better role model than Kermit. I'll wait.
— JP the hero's muse (@JPLFR80) April 26, 2020