One more day, folks. Just one more day, and we survived another week. So instead of getting killed by the hand of a deadly virus, burn out or walking across a crowded street while reading Best of Twitter, we could be lucky. Perhaps a heart attack after the second four cheese pizza or a broken neck after stepping on a piece of lego the fruit of your loins left in the living room, the weekend is full of surprises. And so are our gems, please enjoy!
if u ask someone how it’s going and they respond “another day in paradise” trust me they want to die
— tatum (@50FirstTates) April 8, 2021
Being vaccinated does NOT mean you can abandon your family and move to a coastal New England town to find work as a friendly but mysterious bartender, all the while knowing your past is just one step behind you
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) April 8, 2021
Nobody knows if they like Smashmouth sincerely or ironically and I think that’s beautiful.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 8, 2021
the number of billionaires in the world increased by 30% during the pandemic in case you thought we were all in this together
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) April 8, 2021
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 8, 2021
People over 40 watching birds at the bird feeder pic.twitter.com/1VqdcoBa6K
— Midge (@mxmclain) April 7, 2021
Once people get vaccinated and we start mingling again, don't ask me "how are you?" or "what's new?"
We're only doing deep and weird conversation starters from now on.
"Hi! You look great! Drinks are on the patio. What's holding you back from being the person you want to be?"
— Ali B (@wtflanksteak) April 8, 2021
Does anyone else start hearing the Jumanji drum sound right before their kids come home from school?
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) September 17, 2019
the guy who played Spider in School of Rock is now the district attorney of Tyler County, Texas, and now we’re all just going to have to live with this information forever pic.twitter.com/HQbGrTe59f
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) April 6, 2021
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) April 7, 2021