So it’s Friday and we want to kick off your weekend with a bang! What are your plans for this weekend? Are you feeling daring by not bringing your cell phone the next time you use the toilet? I mean what else are you gonna do, just stare at the ceiling? Maybe it will save you time and make your loved ones a little happier that they didn’t have to wait for the normal 45minute toilet session. So if your one of those type who likes to live life on the edge than try it. Try going to the toilet without your cellphone. Well, I should probably get off the toilet now. Enjoy today’s Daily!
I wish my bed was as comfortable when I try to sleep as it is when my alarm goes off
— tom (@pilau) August 14, 2020
A nice thing about getting older is that the world becomes increasingly fu*ked up which makes the idea of leaving it increasingly appealing.
— Shower Thoughts (@TheWeirdWorld) August 14, 2020
me: our son asked where babies come from
wife: he’s too young, tell him the stork
me: your mom fucked a stork
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 14, 2020
my body: please…eat a vegetable
my body: that’s not fried
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) August 14, 2020
i track my packages soon as i hit confirm payment
— yessir☆ (@priinnyvert) August 13, 2020
Dear ALL advertisers:
Please stop putting the ding dong of a doorbell in any of your commercials on TV.
Owner of two idiot dogs
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) August 14, 2020
Just went to the bathroom raw (left my phone in the living room)
— Sabina (@sabinameschke) August 13, 2020
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) August 13, 2020
when you think about it, all desserts sound inherently sexual, but I think pound cake is my favorite
— Indy ❄️ (@IndecisiveJones) August 12, 2020
Since the Universe has no center, you can’t be it.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) August 14, 2020