The same procedure as last week? The same procedure as last week. DID EVERYONE SURVIVE MONDAY? Great, we’re glad to see that you’re still with us. And to show our appreciation, we worked extra hard today. Okay okay, we had a few extra beers to celebrate the first signs of rain after weeks, but we drank them very fast for you! And brought you a fresh daily. Enjoy!
Being alive in 2020 should be all the requirement needed for a support dog.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) August 18, 2020
Raccoons wash their hands better than half of humanity.
— mᎥᏦᎬ ᏞᎥᏆᎬᏒᎪᏞᏞᎽ✪ (@SkippyMcGizzard) August 17, 2020
me: you want some of this cocaine?
girlfriend: that’s powder for the baby
me: *snorts another line* he's too young for drugs
— inkedupandsonic (@sonictyrant) August 17, 2020
Joker: you’ll never catch me superjerks
Superman [rips his leg off]
Batman: holy batshit
Superman: I thought he had powers! [tries to reattach it] HOW DOES HE NOT HAVE POWERS?!?
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) August 17, 2020
The best thing about the internet is that you can claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
— Pessimus Prime (@BigJDubz) August 17, 2020
A spicy wine? Oh you mean a jalapiñot?
— Caitlin (@caithuls) August 17, 2020
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
— Bart (@bartandsoul) August 17, 2020
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) August 17, 2020
Not saying I'm lonely but I just sat through an entire ad because the people seemed nice
— That Pesky Prostitüt™ (@LittleMissAngr1) August 17, 2020
Am I a bad mother that I'm currently helping my daughter find the bag of m&Ms I ate last night???
— ✨💙𝓡𝓪𝓬𝓱𝓮𝓵💙✨ (@PeekaBLUE80) August 17, 2020