Hi, my name is Best Of Twitter. If you are reading this, then you have survived Monday Madness. I don’t have many supplies left and I don’t know how many more Monday Madness I can survive. The effect is getting worse every week. Colleague forgetting their morning Coffee. Some forgetting to brush their teeth. Boss is angry, I still haven’t figured out why, but it’s most likely from Monday. At this point, I would assume the madness is already in him. It won’t be long till the madness gets to me. The only thing helping me get by are the Dailies posted every day. I have to go now but don’t forget the cure to this madness are the Dailies posted every day. –BOT out.
my class couldn’t even line up in alphabetical order https://t.co/33XRm1UQ0G
— Shafeeq (@Y2SHAF) August 24, 2020
what else was andre the giant supposed to be after his mother named him that
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) August 24, 2020
Why is "the chosen one" always a teenager? We're really gonna put the fate of the universe on someone with an undeveloped prefrontal cortex? Give me a story with a chosen one who is a 42 year old mom that has already seen some shit and is totally out of fucks to give
— kathedrals (@kathryniveyy) August 23, 2020
parents: we just want you to be yourself
me: *gets a tattoo*
parents: you have disgraced the family
— Rob Actually 🏳️🌈 (@RobbyActually) August 24, 2020
y’all be like “we had so much fun at our ‘socially distanced’ dinner party!” pic.twitter.com/knAjiA0fFx
— samantha reid (@sammmreid) August 24, 2020
me: so you see my child, USB was one of the greatest inventions in history
kid: why USB, was there something wrong with USA
me: *deep breath in*
— Terry F (@daemonic3) August 24, 2020
Guys will be like “show me” when you’re mid-sexting them and it’s like, bb I’m at Whole Foods with my mom it’s 2pm…did u think…i was masturbating rn???
— Ruby Caster (@ruby_caster) August 24, 2020
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
— not brendan (@crocodilethumbs) August 23, 2020
Male birth control is free and it’s called being obsessed with cars
— Justine (@Justineestonee) August 23, 2020
Sister-in-law had her driving test today. There are three possible spots they use to test reversing round a corner, and one of them she just couldn’t master. So Stepdad Ken went and parked his car there so the examiner had to pick one of the other two. Anyway, she passed.
— Anita O'Hara (@nitsohara) August 24, 2020