Hello, hello! Sorry to tell you, but once again it’s Sunday evening and to stick in yesterday’s buffet metaphor: at this point there’s only the really weird stuff left and the next couple of hours might show that moving legs in sushi are not a sign of ultimate freshness. But hey, who could have expected that in a Mexican/Russian restaurant? Anyways, the next time you want careful selections with no regrets, we suggest you come straight to our gems of the day.
#1: Totally worth it
I tried to order a $1500 capybara on my dad’s credit card when I was 12 & I hacked into his bank account by slowly asking him about his life and all the answers to his security questions. I also bought $600 worth of shit on the sims. I was in trouble for a very long time
— Dove 🕊 (@lovedoveclarke) August 27, 2021
#2: Come on, every single one’s a hit
digging for italo disco records pic.twitter.com/UfHw76R2MD
— 🌌 george 🌌 (@deejaygeejaygee) August 26, 2021
#3: Damn, they’re good
If anyone is worried about the government putting tracking chips in the vaccines, just remember that i (govt employee) am operating on Word 2007
— 😵💫ketchup chips n pepsi😵💫 (@big_poppa135) August 27, 2021
Stop barking or you’ll end up like your brother! pic.twitter.com/LcniegeLT0
— To Be Frank (@psa10memes) August 27, 2021
#5: Same amount of self loath though
cannot take “runner’s high” people seriously. have u ever actually been high? what the fuck are u talking about
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) August 27, 2021
#6: Aw, he said «we»
Husband, Day 1 of marriage: Where do we keep the can opener?
Husband, Day 4563 of marriage: Where do we keep the can opener?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 27, 2021
#7: Feeling this
Daughter was crying for help from her bed and when I checked on her and she moaned, “I need help opening my eyes,” so I guess you could say adjusting to school mornings is going well.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 27, 2021
#8: Nice subtext
I stand by this 17 years later pic.twitter.com/9ZjbWfaIB5
— anna (@annas_hungry) August 27, 2021
#9: That’s a really great name!
our relationship with cats is so funny like we house a tiny predator that sometimes makes us bleed and we’re like “why so cranky, Mozzarella?”
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) August 28, 2021
#10: Never underestimate idiocy
In retrospect, hiding all the microchips in Horse Dewormer was a stroke of genius,.
— Andrew Thaler (@DrAndrewThaler) August 26, 2021
You think all the talk about horses is unfair? Don’t worry, we also got