Did everyone survive Monday? Are we missing anyone? No? Perfect! Hello from the other side, where we’re glad that no one got left behind, but also have another four days in the coal mines…OFFICES, we meant offices, in front of us. But it’s nothing an experienced, skilled mind and a bottle of booze can’t handle. Plus, someone has to pay taxes, so other people can fly around the globe in the middle of a still ongoing pandemic to…basically jump very high or throw a ball in a certain direction. The point is, those people are the real heroes and we are happy to contribute. Talking about contributing, we also would like to offer you our gems of the day, but don’t worry, there was no jumping involved and the only time we’re running is when the coffee machine makes weird noises again. Enjoy your steroid free Tweets of the day, fresh out of hell!
#1: (This Tweet is no longer available, sorry!)
voldemort: we are better than muggles in every way
harry potter: you should email and tell them that
voldemort: that’s inferior muggle technology! I sent a bird carrying a small note if he doesn’t get eaten they’ll receive it in 17 days
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 3, 2021
They call me ranch cause I be dressing pic.twitter.com/Va5A6mOfY4
— lil UwU-zi vert (@teriyakidelight) August 1, 2021
Me (to a rental car company): and what’s your policy on ramming ?
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) August 3, 2021
I cant go back into lockdown I already tried and failed at all the hobbies
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) August 3, 2021
how's my morning? don't know yet I haven't asked my wife if I was an asshole in her weird dream
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 2, 2021
26% of dog ownership is putting their ears back in the correct position.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) August 1, 2021
Hey girl you have a pic.twitter.com/rXZDUG2PEz
— Nickelforward (@NickelForward) August 2, 2021
angel: so it looks like the humans aren't really using the appendix anymore
god: make it explode
angel: but it's still inside them
god: did i fucking stutter
— caitlin (@carboncaitlin) August 2, 2021
when republicans are in power: we have somehow made empathy a felony
when democrats are in power: we politely asked the military to stop firing their $100 million rail gun across the border on our nicest letterhead and they said no
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) August 2, 2021
my ancestors: we toiled in the sun, begging the sky to rain so that our crops would survive. our lives were pain. we suffered so that our bloodline could live on.
me: sometimes that one big bowl doesn’t fit in the dishwasher so I have to do my calm breathing exercises 🙂
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) August 3, 2021