I hope everyone survived the evil Monday(tm), we really can’t afford to lose any followers in this economy. And it would be a shame, because we’re bringing joy and ice cream to celebrate another week without Mango Mussolini blowing up the White House. Okay, no ice cream, but at least the gems of the day. Enjoy!
"iT's eASieR sAiD ThAn DOne" buddy that's why i say things and don't do them
— Quilliam (@nyquills) August 3, 2020
I turned out ok for someone who was essentially raised by Monty Python.
— Pinky Swear (@mack44_d) August 2, 2020
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it's still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It's only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
— Rob Actually 🏳️🌈 (@RobbyActually) August 2, 2020
due to personal reasons i will be sitting on my bed in a wet towel and staring at the wall for the next 25 minutes
— Lumberzack (@ItsLumberzack) August 2, 2020
youtube: do u wanna try youtube premium? it’s free for a month
[five minutes later]
youtube: ur not gonna believe what’s free for a month
— randy (@randypaint) August 4, 2020
Someone told me to not let it effect me and, boy, am I upset I never thought of that.
— Stephanie Sparkles (@SSparklesDaily) August 3, 2020
I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.
— ❤️Jar Jar Drinks🤙 (@HushJared) July 31, 2020
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
— kie (@kieransofar) August 3, 2020
guy inventing the clock: ok i just need to set it and it'll be done. does anybody know what time it- fuck
— james (@videojames_) August 3, 2020
me: if u sting someone u die?
bee: ya but i wouldn't sting someone unless they made me really mad
me: that's unBEElievable lol
bee: my time has come
— cory (@harvardgraduat) August 3, 2020