We’re no big fans of conspiracy theories but it’s 10 days before Christmas Eve and we haven’t seen a single elf or Santa since Mariah Carey started to sing what she wants for Christmas this year. We still have to select and present 10 top tweets for today, while Wham!’s Last Christmas is playing on the radio without any criminal investigation. On top of that, it’s a cold and bloody Monday as annoying as to get hit by a car driven by a weirdo who sings with a raspy voice about driving home for Christmas in the middle of a pandemic. Inform the Avengers or at least Mulder & Scully. Something really strange is going on here. Anyway, back to business! Here is what you’re here for.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 14, 2020
sorry i didnt respond to ur email in a timely fashion i literally cannot tell days apart anymore and thought today was 2 weeks ago
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) December 12, 2020
I think it's an encouraging sign that the next First lady will be a Ph.D with two masters degrees, rather than a model
It says a lot about their husbands, too
— John Cleese (@JohnCleese) December 14, 2020
Does a vaccine mean I have to wear real pants again or can we all agree that elastic waistbands are here to stay?
— Asha Rangappa (@AshaRangappa_) December 13, 2020
if you ever used a straight man’s towel don’t worry about what’s in the vaccine
— giabuchi lastrassi (@jaboukie) December 14, 2020
kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again
— anja (@internetanja) December 10, 2020
Not everyone will get this pic.twitter.com/AiIzXgDffL
— shes witty, shitty,and a little pretty🎨💡🧨🔫 (@DK8sam) December 13, 2020
Fact: COVID-19 has killed more people in America than there are students in the entire UC system. Imagine every student at Berkeley, Davis, Irvine, Merced, Riverside, UCLA, UCSD, UCSB, UCSC, & UCSF gone— and then some. The scope of the losses we’ve suffered is incomprehensible.
— Teddy (@teddylake) December 12, 2020
I’m so bad at sexting, guys will be like “nice ass” and I’ll be like “this old thing”
— Paul McCallion (@OrangePaulp) December 13, 2020
— $oul $natcher a$h (@azhlyneliz) December 11, 2020