It’s Saturday and while Trump is finally admitting defeat, or at least getting closer to it, monoliths are suddenly appearing all over the world. In the year of Satan 2020 everything is possible. We are pretty sure it’s the final signal for the mothership, so if anyone hasn’t seen «War of the Worlds», bunkered tons of food and booze or learned how to make a campfire out of grandma’s old clothes and your favourite rock collection, now would be the time. Until then, and probably even while running for our lives, we will continue to get you the best gems out of the Twitter universe. Have fun!
Everybody asks where is the monolith, but has anybody asked HOW is the monolith?
— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) December 5, 2020
you're opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you're worried you won't be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) December 3, 2020
One time in college, I had to wait to dump my boyfriend because he broke his leg and his dad had a heart attack. Man, that was a long week for me.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 4, 2020
I bought a TV stand and now I’m just getting targeted ads for TV stands. I only require one TV stand I am not a titan of industry
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) December 4, 2020
"i will not be manipulated in my own fucking house" i shout as i reach for my cat's treats again
— jame (@video_jame) December 3, 2020
where do I sign to get microchipped and controlled by the government i'm tired of making my own decisions
— frankie (@frankieplsrelax) December 4, 2020
"You're lucky Mom says I can't open my presents until Christmas."
"But I'm not-"
"Tick tock, motherfucker." pic.twitter.com/GW6h5mwrSv
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) December 4, 2020
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
— Herschel Pennymacker (@pennymacker) December 3, 2020
why the fuck can't we just spell it wensday
— jame (@video_jame) December 2, 2020
Her: Do you have to wear that every time we go to the gym?
Me: *putting on beer helmet* You know I’m an athlete in training Linda.
— Nater (@GorillaNipples1) December 3, 2020