It’s Monday or as we kindly refer to it, the curse of the week, spawn of Satan, patron of everything that’s unholy. After a nice, relaxing weekend with your favourite persons (you, yourself and the sock puppet you made, just in case you want to talk to someone after a healthy and reasonable amount of two bottles of wine), there are real people to communicate with. In person! And usually someone expects you to do actual work. Again, in person! We all knew home office wouldn’t last forever, but it’s a cruel experience to walk under mortal humans again, after having a taste of paradise. Speaking of paradise, we won’t claim that our gems will bring you there, but at least they are a nice distraction from Monday. Have fun!
i’m so glad you’re happy but save it for facebook
— eLëni (@eleniZarro) December 7, 2020
“Have you brought the list?”
“I have, O Great One.”
“Has it been checked twice?”
“Of course, sir”
“Do you require anything further?”
“Bring me an elf, I’m famished.” pic.twitter.com/Z8NE5wll0m
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) December 7, 2020
one time i made my barbie write a suicide note (to ken) when i was 7 or 8 and then my mom was like … “this is creative” instead of medicating me
— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) December 6, 2020
every retail worker should be allowed to murder one (1) customer during holiday season. i've been saying this for years. it works because its not an excessive amount of murder, but customers wont know which retail worker has already used up their annual murder.
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) December 6, 2020
My parents bought an AR 15 to defend their rural missouri home from antifa but little do they know antifa has ALREADY INVADED THEIR HOME and is in their fridge eating all their shredded mozzarella at 2 am
— lori lightfoot resign immediately (@childbearer) December 6, 2020
My crush texting me: gonna have a quiet night in with a bottle of wine!! can you make it?
Me texting back: I've never tried but I think you use grapes, good luck!
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 6, 2020
Everything is microwave safe if you stand back far enough.
— 𝐏𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐲’𝐬 𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐞𝐬 🎄 (@mack44_d) December 6, 2020
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that's a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it's easy
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) December 6, 2020
amazon at checkout: do u wanna donate to charity
me: BITCH DO YOU???
— kai choyce™️ (@kaichoyce) December 6, 2020
This whole year has been the nightmare before Christmas.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 6, 2020