So everyone survived the infamous Monday? Thank God, not that it will get any better. But before you totally give up on this week (not that it would matter, we’re pretty sure that 2020 is the last year we will experience anyway before a Trump styled asteroid will hit the earth), make sure that you have everything in order for Christmas. Presents, the tree, a reason to pass out once grandad starts telling war stories and enough willpower to decline any New Year’s Eve invitations. And make sure to enjoy our gems. Have fun!
Someone with a Sesame Street avi blocked me once so apparently everyone has standards.
— Shay (@_salt_n_lime) December 8, 2020
Tbh it's cruel and unusual that phone cameras are getting better & better as I'm getting older & uglier
— kimdaaa (@kiiimdaaa) December 8, 2020
“The truth hurts” yeah but so does everything else
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) December 8, 2020
a real life friend of mine described lasagna as "pasta cake" and said if they're gonna eat cake they'd rather have actual cake and I think I had a stroke
— Elf on the hill (@Mom_Overboard) December 8, 2020
when you tip your server at Gusteau’s restaurant in paris, that’s called gratatouille
— eli want for christmas is you (@jazz_inmypants) December 8, 2020
abraham: you want me to what?
god: kill your son
abraham: o-ok god
god: wow you were gonna do it jesus christ
abraham: jesus who?
god: i don’t wanna talk about it
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 7, 2020
I once had a physical therapist who said “a fall is when you are on the floor but didn’t plan to be there.”
I think about that a lot.
— eLëni (@eleniZarro) December 7, 2020
“im a hot girl, i do hot shit” i whisper as i get out of bed at 2pm to make a bowl of cereal for the 4th meal in a row
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) December 8, 2020
My body at 9:19pm: you’re exhausted you should sleep
My body at 2:34am: wake up there are egg rolls in the fridge and things to worry about
— Vision Bored🎄 (@VisionBored1) December 8, 2020
It’s always free Britney and never put out a hit on Britney’s dad
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 7, 2020