It’s Saturday, your friends wanna „go out“ again and „have some fun“, while your wildest dream is binge watching Law and Order:SVU without listening to your neighbours, recreating a very disturbing crime scene from said show and calling it date night. We feel you.
Get into your comfy clothes, have some pizza with double cheese and enjoy our Daily. Cheese is your friend. So are our Dailies. And yes, take the broom out and show your neighbours that you need silence to embrace the experience.
Who has a great evening now, Karen?
Stop telling people they’re beautiful on the inside. Have you ever even SEEN a gallbladder?!
— Brokengirl (@SarcasticSadOne) January 30, 2020
Ok ok you’re an “influencer” but seriously I’ll take another cup of coffee and the check when you have a chance
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) January 30, 2020
In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries.
— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) January 31, 2020
I'm not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother's recipe
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) February 1, 2020
KID: dad, why do animals die?
ME: it’s just the circle of life buddy…
a puppy is born, you don’t clean your room, the puppy gets hit by a car
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) January 31, 2020
I guess I was just hoping the apocalypse would be a little quicker
— Cats Against Humanity™ (@CatsVsHumanity) January 30, 2020
Bro I bet if you comment “Wow. stunning” on just one more selfie she’ll give you a chance
— the drake gatsby 🔨 (@DrakeGatsby) January 31, 2020
I miss when beards meant you knew how to hunt for dinner and change a tire, not that your feelings are too hurt to get my Starbucks order right.
— Elisabeth🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) January 31, 2020
My daughter got in the car and said, “Boy’s suck, Valentine’s sucks, I’m going home to eat Thai food and listen to Lizzo in my pajamas” and I think she’s ready for adulting.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) January 29, 2020
a fun game my girlfriend plays is saying she’ll eat literally anything for dinner and then i have to guess the one extremely specific thing she had in mind when she used the words “literally anything”
— randy (@leakypod) January 31, 2020