Less than 24 hours to Valentine’s Day, this is not a drill, friends. I repeat, not a drill! If you don’t have a date yet, just be aware that the animal shelters won’t hand out cute baby cats on short notice. So I heard from a friend.
Besides the holy grail for flower shops, we have country songs, pizza and rats. Enjoy!
No One Has All 3:
-a job that doesn’t under pay you
-a brain that produces serotonin
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) February 12, 2020
70% of marriage is yelling “what” from a different room.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 11, 2020
there are five country songs:
1. i’m country (& so are my friends)
2. dirt roads r sick
3. drinking in fields is sick
4. my truck makes my penis hard
— randy (@outtacups) February 12, 2020
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
— colleen (@Coll3enG) February 12, 2020
Erasers slowly sacrifice their lives for our mistakes.
— Shower Thoughts (@TheWeirdWorld) February 12, 2020
British food names sound like medieval STDs:
– spotted dick
– toad in the hole
– beans on toast
— tom (@pilau) February 12, 2020
My husband’s been yelling at Siri for almost 20 minutes..Should I tell him he’s talking to Alexa?
— Momma G (@TheOnlyMommaG) February 13, 2020
people from ny: i live in new yawk. i have three roommates. two of dem are rats. we eat pizza fawh dinnuh every night. de rent? 4000 dollars a SECOND
— THEY/THEM (@terfhearse) February 12, 2020
"Any plans for Valentine's Day?" pic.twitter.com/AYaDLfksVY
— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) February 12, 2020
why all the hot girls from the same country? like where even is 🏳️🌈?
— 🧑🏾🎤 (@workingoncrying) February 12, 2020