Hello hello and welcome to the Saturday version of Best of Twitter. On our right we have Harry Potter on a sex hotline, on our left the Pixar security guards. And while this sounds like a very unhealthy fever dream (and a very funny fight between them), it’s actually the best part of the weekend. Since quarantine is still in place in most countries, we should rely more on tweets in combination with a little bit of LSD to keep us entertained. Even Harry agrees, you probably remember him from yesterday, our pet desk lamp with a mind of his own. And while we not support doing coke from the tail of your favorite cat, we definitely recommend reading our gems with a glass of wine. Or a 20 year old scotch and discussing them with your toaster later. Enjoy!
i'm the type of person who looks really hot in real life but for some reason i look terrible in photos and also in mirrors and also if u just look at my face
— tatum (@50FirstTates) February 11, 2021
who decided that skeletons are scary bc honestly i'd be more scared if the muscular system suddenly walked into my room
— wobb ◂Ⓘ▸ yorushika brainrot im sorry (@Wobbuu) February 11, 2021
So glad they’ve introduced these new ‘slicing tomatoes’ so I can finally stop having to pull tomatoes apart with my fists pic.twitter.com/0cYMQfmkdQ
— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) February 11, 2021
for every man who tells me I would look better without my nose ring I'm adding a year to how long I'll wear it.
— Tiffany Bang-Bang (@its_me_your_mom) February 12, 2021
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) February 12, 2021
At 16 I called a sex line and talked for 3.5 hours about Harry Potter movies as revenge against my stepfather
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) February 11, 2021
I convinced some dude that yesterday was Valentine’s Day and it was like watching a deer in the headlights
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 12, 2021
Trainer: I want you to listen to your body.
My body: *extreme demon voice* I SAID MORE MEATBALLS, BITCH
— Annie the Nanny (@AnnietheNanny1) February 11, 2021
My downstairs neighbour has a daughter who lets her boyfriend sneak in through the window everyday. I’m no narc so I haven’t told her dad. Well, she just told me my skinny jeans are out. I’ll be asking her dad tomorrow why his son keeps forgetting his key. Respect your elders
— stoned cold fox 🇨🇦 (@roastmalone_) February 11, 2021
me: i, uhh, haven't had sex in a while
her: it's alright, it's just like riding a bike
[five minutes later]
her: ok so maybe less pedaling
— hype (@TheHyyyype) February 13, 2021