I don’t know about you guys but it is Friday and I am going drinking. Of course, I will drink responsibly, that’s why I’m taking an Uber. But the best part of the night is coming home to leftover Chinese food, not celery sticks. That would immediately bring back the problems I tried drinking away in the first place. On that note happy Friday and enjoy today’s daily!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. So, if you're secretly in love with me, I suggest that you reveal it now.
— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) February 13, 2020
2019: 5 year old walks in on me and my husband
Me: So, son…what did you see?
Him: Just you and Daddy wrestling.
2020: Today, AT A GODDAMNED CLASS PARTY
Son: MY DADDY SLAPS MY MOMMY’S BOOTY IN BED WHEN THEYRE WRESTLING
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 13, 2020
joker: u wanna hear a joke
joker: what happens when u give a goth kid a billion dollars
batman: i said i didn’t-
joker: a cop in a bat costume lol
— randy (@randypaint) February 13, 2020
People who go into the stall to pee when there are open urinals? Cowards. Let me see it.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) February 13, 2020
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
— Jeb 🇨🇦 (@LlamaInaTux) February 14, 2020
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it's less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don't even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
— j a d e (@TheDreamGhoul) February 13, 2020
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
— Shower Thoughts (@TheWeirdWorld) February 13, 2020
imagine being drunk as a vegan you gotta come home and eat some celery sticks
— Chase (@chaselyons) February 13, 2020
Oatmeal from the microwave is so much better than from the stove.. the radioactivity just gives a zest that can't be replicated
— jake (@huntychan) February 13, 2020
Any time a child tries to guess my age. pic.twitter.com/Li5jrLIXdd
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) February 12, 2020