Recently at the conference center.
«Hey, guys! Nice to see you! Has everyone had a good week? No? Wonderful! Welcome to our daily humor seminar. My name is Karen, I am your coach and today I am going to teach you about the virtue of being funny!»
Long explanations followed, nobody believed that this day would bring anything and half of the people present had already fallen asleep with their head on the table. But then the situation suddenly changed. Karen brought out something really exciting…
«Before we come to the end, I’ve brought you a practical example: The ten funniest tweets of the day from Best of Twitter!»
People started cheering, laughing and crying for joy. The day was saved!
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
— Alisha Rai (@AlishaRai) February 15, 2020
my ex boyfriend stopped cutting his hair or shaving after we broke up and now he’s hiking the appalachian trail by himself for some reason, so yeah i guess you could say i’m pretty good at sex
— hope xi sees this (@lib_owner) February 14, 2020
So, you hate socialism, ya say?
If you make $50,000/year, $36 of your taxes goes to food stamps. $4,000 goes to corporate subsidies.
If the $36 upsets you more than the $4,000, then you just hate poor people – not socialism.
— Sergio Siano (@SergioJSiano) February 15, 2020
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
— the drake gatsby 💘 (@DrakeGatsby) February 14, 2020
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope. pic.twitter.com/yCLH4i24hp
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) February 11, 2020
My kids and I are on the last chapter of the last Harry Potter book. A journey we began in July of 2019. And before the chapter began my 8yo shook my hand and said, "mom, it's been an honor." And this is exactly how I imagined parenting would be.
— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) February 15, 2020
Picard and Last Jedi are both about older men trying to make up for past mistakes after JJ Abrams blew up a planet.
— Brandon Bird (@Brandon_Bird) February 13, 2020
there's a woman in the library eating spaghetti with her bare hands
— St. Vincent Price (@muddaub) February 15, 2020
One time I texted my gf to let her know I ripped my pants and what I said was that I “fell and completely destroyed my pants.” She thought I had fallen and pooped my pants. She was incredibly supportive and it took 15 hours before we realized the miscommunication. I married her.
— Jeff is Tall (@JeffisTallguy) February 15, 2020
Me: please your majesty
Queen Elizabeth II: no
Me: *stomp, stomp, clap*
Me: *stomp, stomp, clap*
Queen Elizabeth II: ʙᴜᴅᴅʏ, ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴀ ʙᴏʏ, ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴀ ʙɪɢ ɴᴏɪꜱᴇ
ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴛʀᴇᴇᴛ, ɢᴏɴɴᴀ ʙᴇ-
— Jeb 🇨🇦 (@LlamaInaTux) February 15, 2020