Best of Twitter from February 18, 2020

I have never been to New Orleans but if I get to see Chihuahuas in a parade as a princess, I am buying the first ticket to New Orleans! On that note enjoy our daily and please don’t be that person to mix oreos and mustard together 🤢!

#1:

Due to enormous personal flaws I refuse to work on, I will be arriving 20 minutes late with iced coffee, please respect that

— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) February 17, 2020

#2:

If adults talked to each other the way we talked to babies the world would be a shmoopier boopier place.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 17, 2020

#3:

Just learnt of people who eat Oreos and mustard… there are places on this earth that God’s light simply cannot reach

— Anthony Smith (@AnthonyBLSmith) February 17, 2020

#4:

me: hi I’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am, you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa, i am a PRIME member

— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) February 18, 2020

#5:

I took this girl on this date one time and before I took her out, I told her that we were getting some “different” shit to eat so when I pulled up she had this lil ziplock bag in her hand tell me why she brought 4 chicken wings just in case she didn’t like whatever we got

— boy what? (@Abstrvct) February 17, 2020

#6:

Got to the subway platform just as the train doors were closing and tried to pry them open, but everyone on board banded together to push the doors closed so I couldn’t get on. When the train left without me everyone cheered

— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) February 17, 2020

#7:

My dad is in New Orleans for the first time and called me with a childlike sense of wonder I have never heard in his voice before. He said “this is a happy place”, “all of the food is good”, and “I saw a dog parade and there was a chihuahua in a wig, she was the princess”

— ben mekler (@benmekler) February 17, 2020

#8:

IM BABYSITTINg and I accidentally texted the parents «the baby died» instead of the «the baby monitor died» and I SWEAR TO GOD I have never gotten a call so fast in my life

— 𝒌𝒂𝒏𝒆 ¹³⁰🍒 (@onlyangelle_) February 17, 2020

#9:

don’t invite me to ur party. invite me to ur google doc. i don’t drink. i edit

— James (@CaucasianJames) February 17, 2020

#10:

when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”

Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”

She never spoke to me EVER again

— Janey Godley (@JaneyGodley) February 17, 2020