There are so many wonderful poets and thinkers. People who processed their feelings in verse and played poetically with words. We wanted to try our luck at the high art of poetry. The result is, unfortunately, the following:
Roses are read.
Best of Twitter is blue.
We can’t rhyme.
Here is the Daily for you!
Your toddler walks into your bedroom, peels open your eyelids and whispers those three wonderful little words that will set the tone for the day ahead:
‘Is it morning?’
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) February 18, 2020
“Not today, Satan!” my friend says.
“Hey now, let’s not be so hasty,” I interject. “I, for one, would like to hear out the Faustian deal terms before making such a big decision.”
— batkaren (@batkaren) February 18, 2020
“He’s in a better place”
– Can’t know that for sure
– Better is relative
“He’s on his way to find and kill God”
– Whoa that’s badass
– Gives death a higher meaning
– Go get ‘em
– Fuck ‘em up, Grandpa!
— the drake gatsby 💘 (@DrakeGatsby) February 18, 2020
american: love american food
me: they’re french
american [nervously]: hamburgers?
me: oh yeah buddy those are yours
— nicky the friendly shark (@mostlysharks) February 18, 2020
hate when i’m reading something and it suddenly addresses me as “reader” don’t fucking talk to me, i don’t know u
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) February 18, 2020
Help Desk: Would you like your confirmation number?
Help Desk: Great, it’s R7X395MM
Me, writing absolutely nothing down: great thanks
— Cesspool (@of_a_genepool) February 18, 2020
American: did you go see the house for sale
Brit: no i got a flat
American: oh do you need a lift
Brit: no it has one
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) February 11, 2020
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
— corri (@ThatsSoCorri) February 18, 2020
bro do u wanna like delete ur entire existence off social media with me and like move to a cottage up north bro, we could b in the woods and shit and maybe have a few goats idk bro, we could just chill and read and sit in silence while appreciating nature bro
— Paulo ! (@P7ULO) February 17, 2020
Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.
The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH
— Panneda Express 🥡 (@justokpanda) February 18, 2020