The first weekend of February is almost over. Now it’s official, the EU lost a country for the first time ( or as we like to say, lost a few pounds but still looking good) and the British are wondering when the Empire’s finally coming back, or if it was just a big old ego game for future King Boris. The EU will decide if they allow him back into the sandbox to play, but one thing is for sure: We see a lot of potential for funny, clever or at least amusing Tweets.
5-year-old: I want five kids.
Me: That’s too many kids.
5: Not if they’re puppies.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 30, 2020
my favorite part about being an adult is keeping a dress for 15 years just in case it ever fits again
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) February 2, 2020
Me: you need to stop saying bad words.
3yo: because the police will be mad at me?
Me: that’s right.
3yo: the police don’t like it when I say fuck you to them.
3yo: dad you laughing or crying?
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 1, 2020
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) February 1, 2020
I don't care that Shakira didn't pay her taxes! Jeff Bezos doesn't either and he didn't release She Wolf
— jake (@huntychan) February 2, 2020
I'm watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
— JP (@jpbrammer) February 1, 2020
My vial of insulin is about the same price of a nintendo switch lmfao. Imagine having to buy a NINTENDO SWITCH every month.
I only use 1 vial. Some people use SIX!!! SIX NINTENDO SWITCHES EVERY MONTH TIL YOU DIE
I don’t know why I’m making this comparison!!! It’s 11PM!!!!!
— maddy (@insulinth0t) February 1, 2020
FINDING A VALENTINE
• difficult & time consuming
• makes you feel vulnerable
BUYING A NEW SWORD
• fast & easy
• you will NOT feel vulnerable
• someone might see you & think „who is the cool person with the sword? I’d like to buy them chicken nuggets in a romantic setting“
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) February 1, 2020
God: I’m hungry
Adam: I’m horny
both: [turn to camera] RIBS
— rice man (@pilau) January 30, 2020
Who’s bright idea was it to cut spaghetti noodles in the first place? Maybe I don’t want 28 noodles for dinner, but rather, one 28 foot noodle that I can endlessly slurp. Scratch the maybe.
— .Mela. (@mela_shea) February 1, 2020