It’s Friday and I think everyone knows what that means. No, I don’t mean the weekend, and even though that is correct, right now it is wrong. It is time to enjoy, laugh, cry, and even pee yourself a little with our Top 10 Tweets from Today.
*picking kids up from school*
Me: How was your day?
Son: I told the teacher how I got so sad last night because you made me eat so many penis last night.
Me: Peanuts. I told you to finish your PEANUTS.
— Ashley Houser (@Seriousmom_shit) February 21, 2020
Marvel: we need more female superheroes
me: just use male characters and add ‘she’ or ‘woman’
Marvel: go on
Marvel: that’s worse
Marvel: [lighting cigar] you goddam genius
— tom (@pilau) February 20, 2020
her: opening up a laundromat is the worst idea you've ever had. that's saying a lot.
me: we're gonna call it "george wash-a-ton"
her: ok that's pretty fuckin good
— andrew (@AndrewsNotFunny) February 20, 2020
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Doctor: the good news is 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance
Me: what’s the bad news?
Doctor: you don’t have that long
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) February 21, 2020
english professors b like “u will read these chapters tonight” n i be like i don’t think i will .
— sabbiг (@sabbyinthelab) February 20, 2020
nyc got me looking like an entire weirdo in other cities, I’ll be like «oh that’s only a 15 min walk» and be on the side of a highway
— 𝕷𝖎𝖓𝖆 (@mangheauxxx) February 21, 2020
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) February 19, 2020
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
— Jeff Kasanoff (@JeffKasanoff) February 19, 2020
So in the twilight books, Edwards body is described as feeling like stone, including his penis and when I read that as a 14 year old I was like “of course, that’s so hot,” and now, no ma’am. Team Jacob.
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@SJSchauer) February 20, 2020
visiting Grandma coming back
— Jim Halpert (@JimHalpert__) February 20, 2020