It’s saturday again, so naturally that means date night and I hope we all will have a splendid time. May our date* be stunning, the waiters** be thoughtful and the goodnight kiss*** be like a fairytale. But after such a perfect evening, what do we crave? No, not that! Tweets. We crave good Tweets. Here we go, enjoy!
*Pizza **delivery guy ***dessert
Reporter: Would you say that deforestation is making you miss your habitat "deerly"?
Deer: Fuck you, Joyce. Fuck you. pic.twitter.com/SlcDq2g1nq
— 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐 (@drinksmcgee) February 21, 2020
Saw someone argue male superheroes cater to the female gaze – they don't! They're a male power fantasy! Women's ideal superhero is a guy physically soft enough to give good hugs whose powers include supporting your ambitions and being 50% made of cake, we CANNOT make this clearer
— Ciaraíoch (@Ciaraioch) February 21, 2020
I wish I played the piano so I wouldn’t have to talk to people at fancy parties.
— Avogadro’s House of Moles (@schumoo) February 21, 2020
Super unprofessional when ventriloquists argue with their puppets over which one of them is the dummy. Figure that shit out backstage.
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) February 18, 2020
ladies in just a shirt and underwear: sexy. comfy. gorgeous
guys in just a shirt and underwear: hilarious. the height of comedy. winnie the pooh in this bitch
— baber (@bakerbakerbaker) February 20, 2020
I choose to identify with whichever gender has the most comfortable underwear.
— Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy) February 17, 2020
having clinical depression is highly genetic which means there is a direct line between me and my one incredibly sad ancestor who was still hot enough to reproduce. I think of them often
— christina (@floozyesq) February 21, 2020
imagine if at the end of ur long miserable life when u die you just heard Mario go “oh no” & then you had to start all over from the beginning as small Mario
— stuart fiddle hate account (@stuartfiddle) February 20, 2020
He died doing what he loved, telling me i should lighten up because it was only a joke
— Elisabeth🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) February 17, 2020
I hate that sound people make when words come out of their mouth.
— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) February 20, 2020