When was your last vacation? If we could read your minds, many of you would probably claim “Far too long ago”. Except for the few lucky people who are reading this while being at the beach or just coming back from vacation (By the way: Welcome back to reality 😉 ), we all agree that vacation is long long overdue. Okay, okay. We know that we got your hopes up. Or persuade you to book a holiday. Depending. If the latter is not the case, here comes our suggestion for a way out: Just take 10-15 minutes off from life and treat yourself to today’s Best of Twitter!
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
— Jeb (@LlamaInaTux) February 23, 2020
Dracula is such a popular fictional character because he lives the dream life. Sleeping all day, living alone in a giant castle and exploding into a cloud of bats to escape social situations.
— Shower Thoughts (@TheWeirdWorld) February 22, 2020
Guy at the hotel gym just came in, turned off cnn, put on Titanic? And started running??
— marge 🍞 1991 or bust (@mags_mclaugh) February 23, 2020
when i was getting my last tattoo, there was a walk in next to me. she got "bad bitch" tattooed on her stomach. when it was done, she started crying. the artist asked her why and she deadass said through tears "it just reminds me of my mom" lmaooooooo
— nicky the friendly shark (@mostlysharks) February 22, 2020
My son just informed me that he has me saved in his phone as "birthgiver" and I about died.
What crazy names do you have saved in your phone? I have someone named pool table and I don't even know. We don't have a pool table. pic.twitter.com/7oDydWNEX7
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) February 22, 2020
If you can see the Moon, the Moon can see you. Act accordingly.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) February 22, 2020
me: i wish baguette was pronounced like spaghetti
— EAT THE RICH (@fuckjeffbez0s) February 22, 2020
Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?
Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits.
Wife: That movie doesn't exist.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2020
I love when a recipe tells me to chop and sauté the onion in butter until transparent. To be honest I’m a little envious. What a way to go: cut into pieces, slathered and simmered until you’re almost invisible? Sign me up.
— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) February 22, 2020
*cocking gun* I’m only gonna ask one more time: Did they name Scooby Doo after a dog treat brand or were Scooby Snacks named after that one dog?
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) February 22, 2020