There is nothing more satisfying than having a dish you use and do not have to clean after. If you get happy by that, which I do, you are most likely in your 30’s. It’s like hitting the lottery with that one dish. One dish down 30 more to go. But for those of you cleaning your dishes while reading this, here are our Top 10 Tweets Tweets from Today to help get you by.
Me *enters new password*
Me: Aren't you going tell me it's too weak?
Computer: I've seen your life, you have enough going on
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 24, 2020
3yo: dad can I eat poop?
Me: no you cannot eat poop.
3yo: why dad?
Me: because it’s- you know what if you want to eat poop go ahead, there are some things you just need to learn on your own.
Wife: DID YOU TELL OUR 3YO TO EAT POOP!?
Me: so funny story…
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 24, 2020
i’ll be pissed if my kids never accidentally run through a screen door. that’s a life changing experience
— James (@CaucasianJames) February 24, 2020
Gandalf: yo i'm back from isengard had to ride a fucken eagle to get here what’s up
Elrond: the ring must be destroyed
Frodo: i'll carry it
Gandalf: oh damn that's a long ass walk dude i hope you have comfy shoes
Frodo: wait didn't you say you rode an eagle here
— Quilliam (@nyquills) February 24, 2020
if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry
— Beans After Dark (@goodbeanalt) February 24, 2020
boys be like “youre mine”, first of all im in debt… i belong to Tom Nook
— ;~; (@kissfew) February 23, 2020
i love using a measuring cup for only water. it’s like, you’re still clean bud. you get to skip the wash. go right back to the cabinet.
— jude (@friends3000) February 23, 2020
Asking my man to train me at the gym was a big mistake. This mf talking bout “don’t speak unless spoken to, you’re in training camp” i will smack you round the face with this kettlebell
— yes its me again (@KH4LDR0G0SWCW) February 23, 2020
lizard can’t get a boner, call that ereptile dysfunction🔥💯😼
— Beans After Dark After Dark (@goodbeanaltalt) February 24, 2020
Me giving my job the energy they paid me for pic.twitter.com/UIkoZMdce6
— moses mosima🥝 (@mosesmosima_) February 24, 2020