Let’s play a little game! I see something you don’t. I see something blue with feathers. That’s right. The Twitter bird! And underneath I see something humorous, 10 at a time! Right again! The top ten tweets of the day!
#1:
Toddler: *looking in my ear*
Me: so am I healthy, doc?
Toddler: looks like…
Me: yeah
Toddler: you just ugly
Me: what
Toddler: your ears are ugly
Me: damn
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 26, 2020
#2:
nobody stopping you from putting on a little foundation bro https://t.co/dEuOmNxuqo
— preet (@yungbiryanii) February 26, 2020
#3:
Being an old person who votes against climate change is like farting in an elevator right before you get out
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 26, 2020
#4:
[early 2000s]
eminem: here is a song in which i brutally murder my girlfriend
the media: that’s pretty fucken weird
eminem: i am once again being attacked for my art
— randy (@randypaint) February 26, 2020
#5:
"Couples don't have enough things to disagree about."
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
— Mal (@TheRealPalMal) February 26, 2020
#6:
jesus would’ve looked sick in a carhartt beanie. talk about being born in the wrong generation
— James (@CaucasianJames) February 26, 2020
#7:
Never forget when I lived in Florida, I was talking to this guy and found out he had a gf. I found her insta, messaged her, we met up, took a selfie and posted it to fuck w him. He screenshotted the selfie and posted it on his insta and said “both my girls lookin good for real”
— Jalynne (@jalynnestratton) February 26, 2020
#8:
me: people love playlists with really specific names, like “lofi hip hop beats to study/relax to”
her: yes but I’m not sure tha-
me: Alexa, play “Sea Shanties You Could Theoretically Fuck To”
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) February 26, 2020
#9:
me: [waking up] what happened
doctor: i'm so sorry, you've been in a coma since 2006
me: [crying tears of joy] you mean
doctor: that's right there are only 2 shrek movies
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) February 27, 2020
#10:
imagine the devil challenges u to a fiddle duel (???) where if u lose he keeps ur soul and if u win u get a new fiddle (extremely fair) and then having the absolute fucking BALLS to be like fuck u i’m the best fiddle player ever let’s rock idiot
— randy (@randypaint) February 26, 2020
