After watching the Super Bowl half time show, it must have many people including myself self wanting to change their careers. I mean if a 2 yr old can go and support a whole family by selling feet pictures online. I wonder if people would pay me to just sit there and eat their favorite food. Don’t get any crazy ideas now, except checking out our top 10 tweets from today!
call me climate cause i’m changing 💯
— James (@CaucasianJames) February 4, 2020
Me: what's wrong?
4yo: my cereal won't smile at me!
Me: look at me
4yo: *still crying*
Me: *pulls 4yo close* are you on drugs?
4yo: I love puppies
Me: ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT NOW?
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 3, 2020
GUY ABOUT TO INVENT COFFEE: what if cocaine was delicious
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) February 4, 2020
Guys keep trying to remind me the things I said to them when I was drunk and it’s like what do u not understand.. I do not know that bitch. Never met her. Don’t even know her name. She does what she wants and I don’t interfere
— Alyssa Schoener (@alyssa_schoener) February 2, 2020
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
— Kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) February 4, 2020
God: you’re nocturnal.
Raccoon: what does that mean?
God: you’re active at night.
Raccoon: omg like Batman?
God: you wear a mask.
Raccoon: like Batman : )
God: no not like Batman you live in the trees.
Raccoon: [happy gasp] i’m the Bark Knight!
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) February 4, 2020
My 2 yo daughter watched the Super Bowl halftime show. She’s now a stripper and selling pictures of her feet online. She’s supporting the entire family and we’ve never been more proud.
— Lexi Brown, PhD (@lexilafleur) February 3, 2020
*me coming home drunk*
my dog: bark bark bark bark
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) February 3, 2020
her: take off my bra
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
— 👽 (@clichedout) June 19, 2019
February 14th .. crying session at my house link up
— luis vercetti 💕 (@97Vercetti) February 2, 2020