It’s the middle of the week and let’s be honest, we all can’t wait for the weekend to arrive. So why not lighten up your mood in the meanwhile with some doctor-jokes (who doesn’t like to make fun of doctors), an exceptional history lesson and a one in a lifetime proposal for a dog’s name. Enjoy!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) February 4, 2020
[at a rally]
guy with megaphone: WHAT DO WE WANT
me: a hug would be n-
everyone: FREE HEALTHCARE
me: woah that’s a way better answer lol did u guys practice or something
— randy (@leakypod) February 4, 2020
Don't tell anyone "I hate you" directly,
Say "You are the Monday of my life".
— Shower Thoughts (@TheWeirdWorld) February 4, 2020
What is something that’s -1 Health Points but instead of a video game it’s real life?
I’ll go first: when you’re washing your hands and your sleeve gets a little wet.
— Spanky McDutcherson 🔸 (@thatdutchperson) February 4, 2020
I went to a job interview for Waffle House and one of the questions was «can you fight?
— Pre K ❄️ (@stayfrea_) February 4, 2020
“i’m not looking to date right now” is never fun to receive but the person i was talking to really softened the blow with “and i’m not really looking to make friends either”
— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) February 4, 2020
Feeling lonely? You need a dog named Family!
Coworker: any plans for the weekend?
You: just hanging with my Family!
Dating profile: tell us about yourself
You: my Family means the world to me
Boss: reason for vacation request?
You: taking my Family to the beach!
— .Mela. (@mela_shea) February 4, 2020
“It’s All Good In The Hood”
– No it’s not
– Who still says hood?
– You fucking liar
“Everything Hurts In The Universe”
– Much more accurate
– Life is pain
– Hannah take me back, I can change
– Hannah, please
— the drake gatsby 🧙♂️ (@DrakeGatsby) February 4, 2020
gooooob morning. i’ve made a list. of the things i’d like to happen today
9. nice walk. with limited running
5. nap in the sun
2. a little snuggle
— Thoughts of Dog® (@dog_feelings) February 5, 2020
America: We want the British out
Australia: We want the British out
India: We want the British out
Britain: We want the British out
— Pats A' Tweetin (@PatsATweetin) February 4, 2020